Foster care and dealing with Uncertainty

10.28.2016 by Sarah //

Whether you are considering foster care, could never be a foster parent, or are already loving on foster kiddos in your home, this is for you. Because there is one uncomfortable thing that ties us all together – the invisible line of uncertainty.

It stretches from as far back as I remember – when I was that person who could definitely not be a foster parent – to some distant future I’ll never see. It wakes you up to a great big world you can’t control but in which you definitely have a part to play.

I’m considering fostering

Information. It’s what you’ve looked for. “But what does foster care look like? What does it feel like? Will I be able to handle it? Is it safe? Can I do it?”

And that’s what I’ve tried to give you at Parents of Foster Care, a peak into the day-to-day, ins-and-outs, and ups-and-downs of daily life with foster children. But, there won’t ever be enough information to figure out if you should or shouldn’t do this.

Uncertainty

I can’t tell you exactly what life in your home with the child you end up caring for will look like. I can’t tell you when they will arrive, where they will come from, or what their story will be. I can’t tell you if they will fit right in or not at all. I can’t tell you how you’ll handle it, what your response will be, or if you’ll get any sleep that night. There is no way to know. What I can tell you is this:

Be prepared to make time. Time to sit and listen, time for meltdowns or tantrums (no matter the age child), and time to find out what this kiddo loves and go after it with him or her. You’ll need time to connect, and time to listen to fears and happy moments. Time for homework, for doctor’s appointments, and therapist appointments. You’ll need time to send them out the door to visit their family and time when they return so they can transition into your home again. Plus, time in the middle of the night if they don’t sleep well (most of them don’t). You’ll just plain need time.
You can do it. At least once. At least to figure out if you can do it again. If it’s in your heart, then you’ve got to try. Read what Sarah has to say about this in “What if You Want to Foster but You’re Terrified?”. She’s raw and open about this very thing.

So get all the information you need. Write it down, think about it, consider it and then decide, because there is no amount of information, experience, etc. that is going to dissolve the uncertainty. There just isn’t a way to know beyond a shadow of a doubt one way or another. You just have to decide.

I could never be a foster parent

And if you can’t – you just plain can’t – that’s okay. I understand. Not everyone is made for this. I wasn’t either, until my “babies” changed my life. You can read about it here, “How our ‘babies’ came to us”. And even then uncertainty connected me to foster care. Because I just didn’t know how foster families did it, and I didn’t know how they could let go and re-attach over and over and over again, and I didn’t know how they could live with all the unknowns.

And now? Now I know that it never really goes away.

I’m Fostering Right Now

The backseat realization that you never really know. Well, anything.

You never really know the timeline – this little person you care and love for can be snatched away at any moment. Sometimes under good circumstances and sometimes under bad.

His family is doing well! They’re changing and proving they can care for him! Yeah!

But it means he goes home tomorrow.

You cry as you pack him into the social workers car. Or…

they found an extended biological family member who passed all the background checks and drug screens. That family member is going to care for him now. I’m so glad he gets to be with family, but sad ours will be different without him.

And so you rejoice while you hold back tears of grief – how can this be-these duel emotions?

Or the plain uncertainty of the facts. You never know what’s going on.

Ever.

Yes, you’ve communicated with the child’s family, with social workers, with visit coordinators. You’ve attended court, read the documents, made notes of your own. But you still just never know. You never know because the facts are always a jumbled mess.

People are in jail…then out.

Passed drug screens…then didn’t.

Visits went well then don’t.

Appointments are kept but barely.

Court is held, but only for five minutes because there are so many cases today they’ve run out of time before they’ve even begun. This case won’t be heard today; another date is set and another month passes with no answers.

What does it all mean?

How will it affect the case?

Nothing is ever straight forward.

Ever.

Life no longer fits into tidy little boxes stacked up straight.

The only constant seems to be that you love this kiddo. And while he or she is in your care, you treat them as your own. No matter the uncertainty surrounding you. You provide stability, structure, a routine, as much consistency as you can in this swirly mess of unknown, because it never really goes away.

So How do I do it?

Not very well. Some days it breeds fear, and some days I think it will be the death of me.

But I know these two things:

I will continue to love fiercely because these children need me to. This kind of stepping up and stepping into their life can change generations and this is what I’m called to do.
My Jesus is bigger. He’s bigger than it all. And he’s chosen the families who will intersect with our lives and the children who will be in our home and He has them here.

For a time.

For a reason.

I might not like the outcome, or the length of time they stay, or the reasons they came (believe me – Jesus doesn’t like that either!) but I know Him and I trust Him because He is good, and loving, and faithful.

And when I fail and can’t see past the next unknown – He’s still got it.

He’s got me.

He’s got my kiddos.

And I can face one more day of uncertainty because of that.

Free Attachment Resource

Fostering a secure relationship with your kiddos is oh, so important! Here are 4 elements of a secure attachment and activities to establish it with your children. Put your email address here and “click” so I can send it to you.

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Why Your Foster Child Needs You and Hates you

07.30.2016 by Sarah //

To the dad who rocks the writhing little soul trying desperately to claw at your face, this is for you. To the mom that’s been pinched, bit and hurt by her child, this is for you. To the parents who keep your children from hurtling toys across the room by emptying the bedroom of anything that can be thrown, this is for you. To the parent whose had to hold their daughter to keep her from hurting herself, this is for you.

It’s for you because you feel desperate, not knowing the right thing to do. It’s for you because these are just the “big displays”. There are countless others that are much more subtle. There’s the son who wants a hug but stiffens in your arms when you give him one and pushes you away. There’s the child who blames everything else for “hurting him” when he bumps into objects because he wasn’t watching where he was going. There’s the overt screaming when you leave the room, but then the swatting at you or running away from you when you return.

This is for you because you’ve patiently loved and held and settled this child down, only to put him in bed and cry yourself to sleep – exhausted and unsure if you handled it the right way. This is for you because you’ve snapped and yelled to find it stopped the behavior, but bread more hatred in the process.

It’s overwhelming, and confusing. Your child acts as if she wants one thing but rejects that very thing when you give it. And the extent of the meltdowns are unfathomable when you 1) have to leave the child (even if it’s to go in the other room), 2) when you’re caring for another human being (even if it’s hugging your spouse), or 3) when you won’t let her do something (God forbid you tell her “no”). It’s disheartening and exhausting and you feel lost.

But you can’t give up loving this child.

That’s why this is for you.

There is hope. There is a need lying below the surface of each of these behaviors and you can meet it.

Your child doesn’t trust you.

She needs you but she hates the fact that she needs you. She wants to be self-sufficient but she isn’t and that is very scary to her.

Trusting you to care for her is scary
Being allowed to depend on herself is scary

Either way, her life is full of fear. If she is forced to trust you she goes ballistic because she is sure you are going to abuse her or neglect her. If you give her freedom, which she so desperately fights for, she hates you because subconsciously what she really needed was you to take the weight of self-care from her shoulders.

You feel like you can’t win!

But you can.

Your child needs you to enforce strict boundaries that cannot be crossed and to simultaneously quadruple your affection toward him.

THIS has made THE biggest difference in our parenting.

Strict boundaries and lots of simultaneous affection are key.

There is definitely a place for independence, and I’ll continue that conversation soon. Put your email in the box and click the button so I can get that out to you and hear your concerns as well.

But, what we’ve been doing is allowing our child to face the fear of his dependence on us. We’ve been forcing this realization to an extent by the boundaries we place and strictly uphold. All the while we are supporting our child through the struggle and proving our love and trustworthiness.

We still use a stern voice when we need to and we still require obedience, but we do so with as much affection, and care and even praise as we possibly can – at the same time.

Confusing. I know.

According to therapist Richard Sudsberry, not only can these two work simultaneously, they must.

“Overall, as you increase expectations, rules, and discipline in your interaction with children you must also increase nurturing in the experience.” (Therapeutic play activities for families or the classroom Emphasis added) I would encourage you to read his book Loving Parents: Raising Hurting Children. It is free on Kindle Unlimited and you can get a free 30 day trial here. Join Amazon Kindle Unlimited 30-Day Free Trial

So, how does this play out?

Imagine your child sees you giving undivided attention to another member of your family. She melts down. Full on hysterics. You can’t let that go. Remember, this is about her lack of trust in you as her caretaker. Here is what she needs.

She needs to be reminded that she is indeed dependent on you. It is up to you when the conversation ends – not her- even if she’s a puddle on the floor. Boundaries
She needs to know that you are capable of caring for her even when you are giving attention to someone else, and that you will indeed provide for her because you care about her and you are trustworthy. Nurture

So, how do you both hold her accountable to not interrupting AND provide additional nurture SIMULTANEOUSLY? It might look like this:

“Brandy, I know you don’t like it when I’m looking at someone else, but I’m talking to Dad right now. I love Dad AND I love you. Stand right here and I’ll hold your hand while I talk to Dad, but you need to wait until I’m done.”

Angry Child Background with website

You and I both know that’s not the end of the story. She’s not just going to stand there calmly – especially if this is the first time you’re doing this. She’s going to melt down once you look back at your spouse, but stay firm. Hold her hand lovingly even when she pulls on you. Keep talking to your spouse and holding her hand. You might even make occasional comments to her “I love you Brandy and I’m talking to Dad right now because I love him too. I’ll talk to you in a minute.” You might even be able to smooth her hair with your other hand, or rub her back while keeping your eyes glued to your spouse. Do not let her antics stop your conversation. You’ve upped your affection toward her as much as you possibly can while forcing her to work within the boundaries you’ve created. Then, when your conversation is done, you can address her directly.

“Brandy, I’m done talking to Dad now. What would you like to tell me?”

My guess is she won’t have anything to say. That’s okay. Use this time to continue the nurture. Let her know what it is you love about her and, if possible invite her to join you in whatever you had to do next.

If the child that’s melting down is too little to understand that much language just hold her. Hold her while you continue your conversation and when you’re done address her. These children, the ones that can’t stand when you aren’t focused on them, but don’t really want you when you are, still need you to be with them. They need your constant nurture just as much, if not more, than the ones I wrote about here.

Another way this might look is when you physically stop a child from harming himself or others. You can hold his hands* and say, “I care about you and I will not let you hurt yourself or others. We will hold hands until I think it’s time to let go.” By YOU deciding when it is time to let go you’ve reassured him that you are in control of this situation. BUT WHILE you are sitting with his hands in yours and he is writhing or cussing, UP THE NURTURE. List all the ways you care about him.

List his great physical features. “I love your brown eyes and the way your teeth show when you smile. I love your cute nose and your red hair.”

List the accomplishments he’s achieved while in your home. “I love the way you take your dish to the sink when you’re done eating. I love the way you read to your little sister. I love the way you worked so hard on your homework yesterday.”

And make sure you list the innate personality traits he has that have nothing to do with accomplishments. This is SO IMPORTANT because this is who God made him to be and this is validating your love for him as a person no matter what he does or doesn’t accomplish. “I love your sense of humor. I love that you are sweet with little kids. I love that you notice when others are hurt. I love how passionately you disagree with me about sports.”

Finally, reassure him that you love him no matter what state he is in. “I love you when you’re angry like you are right now. I love you when you’re quiet and calm. I love you when you’re happy and excited. I love you when you’re scared.”

Then, expect it to backfire.

Especially at first.

You’ve just asked him to walk into the deepest, darkest place his soul knows – facing the fear of trusting you as his caregiver and he’s going to push you away. He’s going to hate you for it. He will yell, and tug and pull and say “no you don’t!” Because, remember, He doesn’t trust you. He can’t trust you, because trusting you means vulnerability, and vulnerability means being harmed emotionally or physically. But, eventually, he will come around. You’ll probably need to settle for resignation for awhile. But one day, as you’re listing the things you love about him, you’ll see him crack. A hint of a smile, and you’ll know you’re making progress.

There will be more happy

Eventually, there will be more happiness between you and your child throughout the day. Your child will trust you more, which means he will be more vulnerable, which means he will express genuine affection at random times. There will be more smiles, more hugs, more easy laughter. You’re entire home will slowly become more peaceful. Not all the time, not consistently, but generally, more peaceful.

“You need to do whatever you can to build nurturing connection between you and your child. This reduces child anger and his need for control, and increases his desire for cooperation.” (Richard L. Sudsberry, Relationship Parenting)

*Check your foster care guidelines and follow all protocols. These differ by state and even by specific situation.

(Note: I created the image using Pic Monkey’s free photo editing website. Check them out here. This post may also contain affiliate links. For more information, read my Disclosure Policy here.)

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Remember you can get Loving Parents: Raising Hurting Children for FREE by clicking below.

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The Silent Mother

06.17.2016 by Sarah //

He lays on the sidewalk, head on arms, “resting”.

At least that’s what it looks like to everyone else.

The comments from the passersbys sound like, “He’s tired.” Or, “It’s been a long day.”

The birthday part is small. Everyone is here to see her.

But, she watches bugs or plays with sticks, avoiding the gathering of friends and family.

“She just doesn’t like crowds” they say.

He kicks a ball in the front yard while you get the mail. The neighbors, out for a walk, stop over to chat.

Out of nowhere he screams, fear wild in his eyes, body tense, nerves gone haywire.

“It’s just too much for him” the neighbors uncomfortably attempt but they know they don’t really mean it. They’re not sure what went wrong. So, they reassure themselves with empty comments.

Day in and day out, others see without knowing. That’s by design. It’s on purpose.

They can’t know. They shouldn’t. But you do.

What is Really Going On

The passive sidewalk layer is avoiding a melt-down in the only way he knows how – shutting down.

The one that “just doesn’t like crowds” is actually so very overwhelmed with her own emotions concerning relationships with family and friends that she just can’t sort them all out. Where do her loyalties lie? In mom and dad? The other, more fun people? Who sets her boundaries when all the rules are different for all the people? If she likes one family more why can’t they be her family? Is she really stuck with the one she has? Why? She’s had so many. Why is this one different?

The screamer is ruled by fear. He looks happy on the outside. That’s his defense. But defenses evaporate when he’s caught off guard and his real driving force takes the lead. He screams, terrorized and out of control because that’s how he lives his life, it’s just hidden on the inside.

What do you say when you know you can’t and shouldn’t explain?

Nothing

They want an answer but you just can’t give one.

And it wears you down. It shuts you up. It weighs heavy inside. But it’s good, and true and right, because you’re protecting your child. And one of these days you’ll learn how to be gracious and to draw them in without speaking lies or unveiling your children’s stories, but until then, you sit silently. You tend to your children and pretend you didn’t hear.

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(Note: I created the images using Pic Monkey’s free photo editing website. Check them out here. This post may also contain affiliate links. For more information, read my Disclosure Policy here.)

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