My Foster Child’s Relatives reached out for the First Time & Want to Adopt – WHY NOW?

04.28.2018 by Sarah //

My Foster Child's Relatives reached out for the first time and want to adopt why now?

“Hello”, you answer the phone curtly, dreading this call.

You know DCS has been searching for your foster daughter’s relatives. She’s been your foster child for years now and your love is deep. Loosing her is going to hurt.

But, this is what I signed up for. You try to remind yourself.

It’s the truth, but your heart won’t listen.

“The background check and home study for her aunt came back. Everything checked out. We’ll meet to discuss transitioning her within the week.”

Cold

You’re heart’s elevator ride straight to your feet has left you cold. It’s only the mechanical routine of politeness that keeps you from screaming,

“Why now!?” “It’s been years! YEARS!”

But you’re mouth says “When’s the meeting?”

There aren’t words for the way this feels. Her case has reached termination and those willing to raise her have come out of the woodwork.

You’ve been up and down the spectrum of emotions as they’ve turned up one-by-one; you signed up to love this kiddo with the hope that she would have a healthy stable home back with her family, but that was years ago.

And now? Now that the trust has been built and the love established you also know the trauma, the deep, deep wounding that will come as she leaves your home. And, now you feel a part of that too.

“Thank you”, your own voice interrupts your thoughts, as you write down the meeting and hang up. Your foster daughter, the one you love, laughs in the other room. It seems wrong that the world didn’t stop the way it should have when you hung up the phone.

Because yours did. It all just fell to pieces.

How does it feel when you learn your foster child is going to live with relatives?

Anger – where was this aunt years ago!? I’ve been sitting here bonding with this child, drawing her out of her shell, calming her rages, and where was this @#% aunt!? If this aunt is a safe care giver then my foster child should have been with her from the beginning. It isn’t right that my foster daughter will have to suffer the loss of one more family. It isn’t right to put her through all that again!

But you know, in the bottom of your heart you know and it’s not fair to the aunt.

Sorrow – my poor foster daughter! This will kill her! She’ll regress, she’ll act out then shut down and especially at school! She’s doing so well right now. All that will change, at least for a time. It’ll get better, later, I know, but it will hurt her. It will hurt her terribly and that hurt won’t every fully go away even after the behaviors have left. And will this aunt know her like I do?

Of course she can’t, not at first, because there’s a learning curve, there is always a learning curve, I’ve seen it in my own home with my foster children. And will my daughter put on a face? Will she make a front just to cope, to survive in a new environment one more time or will she be genuine and real the way she’s finally learned to be with me? Will this aunt love her for who she is?

Sadness and planning – I’ll miss her. How can I make this easier on her? It’s time to print all those digital images I’ve taken, time to write the stories of our time together and send her with the life book I never started but now seems like a life line – a necessity.

Realization – good will come from this. Yes, the trauma of leaving our home and the trust she’s built here will happen, but there is a trauma of not being with biological family too. What would have happened if I’d adopted her? There would have been questions unanswered, things about her past and her family history she would have never known and there is pain there too, so yes, some good will come from this. I just hope it outweighs the bad of leaving.

Where WAS this foster child’s family member the entire time?

And why is this person just now coming forward?

To this I say we don’t ultimately know but here are some of the many possible reasons

Extended family didn’t know the child was in foster care

If this family member doesn’t live within walking distance he or she might not have visited the child’s family for quite some time. If transportation is limited, the child’s family might keep in touch with extended family via the internet or phone. This means, that extended family only knows what the child’s parents tell them.

It’s normal for us to want to keep up appearances. How many times have you answered “fine” when someone asks “How are you?” How many of those times were you actually fine? The child’s parents might “cover” for the child by telling stories of what the child is up to without mentioning that these things are happening in a foster home instead of their home. And since the relative doesn’t see the child on a regular basis, he/she isn’t the wiser.

In order to solve this problem, some states require the Department of Child Services to send notification of a child’s placement in foster care to all known relatives in an attempt to gain support for the child. This, however, doesn’t happen if DCS isn’t aware of a family member’s existence.

Department of Child Services didn’t have knowledge of this relative

There is only so much DCS can do when it comes to tracking down family. Many states require due diligence in this area but parents remain the most knowledgeable source of this information. Sometimes parents don’t inform the Department of Child Services of a relative’s existence until very late in the case.

Social workers know this so they continue to ask parents about extended family members throughout the case. Social workers also continue to search databases available to them throughout the case. A relative might show up in one of those systems who hadn’t been in there before.

The child was required and/or requested to stay in the same county as the parents while the goal of the case was reunification

Distance makes reunification difficult. How many times have you seen foster children placed hours away from their parents because there aren’t enough foster homes in the immediate area?

In my state, this happens way too often. How are parents supposed to work toward reunification if they can’t get enough parenting hours in each week due to their child being so far away? It happens but DCS tries to prevent it. That might be why this family member is just now being looked at. This person might not have been an option until the case moved to termination.

Push came to shove

Let’s face it, taking on a child is a HUGE commitment. If the child has already been placed in a foster home by the time a relative is contacted, the relative might think “They are safe right now and their parents are going to get them back soon…no reason to rock the boat.” But once the relative finds out the foster child isn’t going home with his/her parents that changes things. People step up to make sure the child is with family if he/she can’t go home.

Depending on where you reside, relatives don’t always get the same level of support that foster parents get

Laughable, I know, since many of you struggle to be seen as valid parents in the eyes of the courts. But sometimes there is a level of financial assistance provided to foster families that isn’t initially given to relatives.

In these situations, there might be a small amount of money to purchase basic necessities for the kiddo (such as clothes and a bed) but there isn’t continued financial support until the relative completes training to become a licensed foster parent. The added training requirements to become licensed while transitioning a child into the home and while figuring out a new financial situation can be too much. Relatives might decide to wait to see where the case is headed before jumping through all those hoops.

When all is said and done

Take time to grieve the loss, to process, to be nurtured. Allow others to come along side you and help. Get a good therapist. Take a walk. Write it down. You’ll always love this child from a distance. Pray for them. Keep in touch if you can. And, when you’re ready, continue on. Love again. Parent again. Be a steady, safe place for a kiddo you can wrap around and love well.

You’ve got this.

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Foster Care and Dealing with Uncertainty

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Do I Really Even Love My Child?

07.19.2017 by Sarah //

You either hate me already because I’d even ask such a thing, or you’re scared to click because you’ve felt it too. The evil whispers that something isn’t right, the emotions that don’t always come, the scared realization that maybe, after all you’ve given, you don’t actually love him.

Not really, not in the full sense of the word. Not in the tender ways a mother should love her son.

It scared the crap out of me, the first time I put words to those feelings. I didn’t want to own it, that question.

The problem was, it’d been rolling around in there for months. I could feel it. The depth and longevity of its existence. It wasn’t just something I could push aside. It had been lurking in my subconscious for a long, long time and it needed to be faced.

And so, I cried.

I cried because it felt so wrong and because I even had to ask.

The thing is, if you know me, you’ll realize how freakishly contradictory I sound. The very last thing I wrote about was how intentionally I love my children. I detailed how I gather all my genuine affection for them and tell them I love them.

You can read that here.

And I deliberately wrote that before telling you my fears that none of it was real because you need to know how purposeful I am. You need to know how many times I dig down deep to gather tenderness and love in order to reflect that in my face and my voice. You need to know how firmly I believe that children should be loved fully – not just in sacrificial action – but also in sweet, tender affection.

And you need to know how much work it is.

Every.

Single.

Day.

So, read about that here, and then finish reading this.

So, know you know.

Now you know how many thousands of tries on thousands of days I’ve gathered tenderness, in order to love authentically – to feel kindness – and I was spent. I was broken and weary and I wondered if that tenderness, that love, was ever really there to begin with.

And, as I asked, I came back empty.

Because that’s where I was – empty.

Spent.

Done.

Exhausted.

Did I really even love him?

The thing was, I had to answer yes. But only tentatively and only because love is a choice. Because love is an action.

So yes, I loved him. I had respect for him as a human being. I passionately wanted what was good for him. In that sense I loved him. I loved him by wanting his life to be safe and secure and wanting to be the source of that security. I even loved him in the sense that I desired warmth and beauty and care in his life.

They started to come faster then, all the ways in which I loved him through actions and deeds. All the ways in which I desired his good. So, YES, a resounding yes, a thousand yeses, in the most functional sense of the word I loved him. I was convinced of it. After all, I’d committed my life to him. I’d promised myself and him that we were in this no matter what. I’d sought his good at almost every turn weather I was the object of his wrath or not. Was I perfect at this? No, I’d lost it. I’d yelled and over-reacted. There were days I didn’t give 100% and days I took “mommy time outs”. Days I’d wanted to be anywhere but there in the middle of that mess and scarier than all, days I’d hated. But every single time, it always came back to, yes. Yes, I was willing to ask his forgiveness and get back up and love him

One.

More.

Time.

But the emotions? The sweet tenderness that only comes from genuinely seeing another person for who God made them to be – for the good design He placed in that person without all the warts and brokenness of sin.

That kind of love?

The love that longs to be with someone when you’re separated. The emotion that makes your heart rejoice when you see him. The giant “YES! That wells up in your being when you connect with the genuine person he is meant to be.

Did that part of love even exist? Or, had all those thousands of times I’d summoned up the emotions in order to look softly at him made me a fraud?

Was any of it real?

I didn’t know.

Until the day, when it was me and him against the world. Until, he was put in a vulnerable situation where the other adults in his life didn’t understand him and wouldn’t even try. Until I had to stand up for him, against the powers that be, and demand they listen, demand they try, demand they care.

And it all came gushing out. The tears, the tenderness, the sweet thoughts toward him.

Because this was a child that I loved and I wanted them to love him to.

That day, I saw that I did indeed love him. In every sense of the word I loved him. But it had taken until that moment to realize it. The moment when I saw what his life would be like in the hands of others who didn’t love him and I cried.

I cried at the way he’d been viewed.

I cried because I wanted him to be cherished, to be understood and he wasn’t.

I cried because I wanted him to be loved the way I loved him, and he wasn’t.

And that’s when I knew that I did indeed love him. In all the good and soft and precious ways. Not just the hard and long-suffering and practical ways but in all of the sweetness of softness ways too. It had been there all along.

It had just been masked, hidden – buried in the hard work of inviting him into vulnerability again… and again… and again. In seeing past the defiance to the heart of who he really was. And it’s that exhausting, emotion numbing work that had made me wonder if the fun side of love had even existed.

So, yes. I really did love my child.

Practical Steps to Finding Your Love Again

I’ve come to realize that there are ebbs and flows to the tender emotions we have toward our kids. There are times that I’ve given all I can give and I’m emotionally numb, or worse, angry. I need to be aware of this and realize that those times aren’t the full story. It’s just a thinning, a wearing out of my ability to access the love that fully and deeply exists – a love given by and sourced from God himself. And then, I need to do everything in my power not to stay there.

That’s the hard part. Because, for me, that means prayer and learning how to stop and take care of myself. As a foster mom, I KNOW how impossible this sounds. The idea of self-care is one I disdained for a long time. But, I’m slowly starting to accept it as not only not selfish, but a vital way I care for my children. Stopping to take care of myself fills me back up so that I have reserves to draw from and can better tap into that tender loving-kindness. I’ve got a list going of the things that work for me and the things I know I need to implement but haven’t figured out how to yet. I’d love to send it to you. It might help you get started on your own ways to fill back up so you can find your love again. Put your email below and click so I can get it to you right away. I’m also going to write more about self-care and why it’s not selfish. When I do, I’ll send that your way too. Hang in there Mama!

(Note: I created the image using Pic Monkey’s free photo editing website. Check them out here. This post may also contain affiliate links. For more information, read my Disclosure Policy here.)

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how to make food without your kids yelling “MOM!” every two seconds

01.17.2017 by Sarah //

It can be very frustrating. You need some semblance of order and accomplishment, you know your children also thrive when this is in place, but the chaotic tendencies of our kiddos just seem to thwart it at every turn.

You finally have fifteen minutes to work on something and, “Mom! Mom!” the drama begins. There are fights with siblings, “crazy” behavior with no point, or even just the yelling of your name to get you to look at them.

You do it, to your better judgment, you look, “What dear child of mine?” Blank stare. They just give you the blank stare.

Nothing.

They needed nothing except your attention.

And that’s when the anger starts. You know this is a legitimate issue for them, the insecurity, the needing of your time and attention, and yet life must be lived! Food must be made! Order must have its place!

These are all good things! These are things that would benefit your children if only they would cooperate!

So what’s a foster mama to do?!

You have two choices.

CHOICE ONE

Fight it out. Not really, but…yes…this is the long-game approach and it means battling your own anger because there won’t be instant results. The choice? Teach. Teach them how to let you work on the dinner for 15 minutes without being interrupted.

I can already hear it.

“Yeah right!”

“But how!? I’ve already tried everything!”

I’ll just let you know, you can make improvement in this area and it’s definitely worth pursuing, but it’s a long row to hoe. I’m working on a book that addresses this and a number of other issues, I’ll let you know when I’m ready to publish it, but for now, I really want to address choice number two.

CHOICE TWO

Establish kid-free time in either the morning or the evening where you can be super efficiency woman! Please don’t look at this as one more thing to do. The hardest part about this is setting it up so that you are kid free, but once you are able to do that, this will save you so much time and stress. You’ll be able to do the cooking or ________ activity without hearing “MOM!!” and you’ll also be able to give your children the attention they want when you are with them.

So, let’s figure out how to set up some kid-free time in either the morning or evening. The concept behind this is very similar to my kid-free 4 hour time block I wrote about in My 4 Best Time Management Tips for Foster Parents. If you haven’t downloaded it you can do that here. I encourage you to pair both tips together. In that download I give you some great ideas on how to make that 4 hour time block happen, but if you haven’t made it work for you yet, then this tip might be a great replacement for that.

HOW TO ESTABLISH KID-FREE TIME IN THE MORNING OR EVENING

Figure out how much time you need by yourself and then work backward from there.

I need two hours in the morning to myself. I determined this by paying attention to what I felt like I needed to do each morning.

I need about 30 minutes to wake up, get coffee, pee, you know the drill. Then, I need quiet time to write and my mornings are my best time for that. This usually takes an hour. Then, I need 30 more minutes to get myself ready for the day before I greet my children.

This means that, on a good day, I get up two hours before my kiddos (I’ll tell you how in another point). I use my time to write, but YOU get to use your time for whatever is going to free you up most throughout your day. If that’s packing lunches and putting dinner in the crock pot, do that!

“Remember, a good routine will help simplify …rather than create new anxiety about perfectionism.” – Crystal Paine Make Over Your Mornings

This quote right here is why I love Crystal’s Make Over Your Mornings course so much and why I recommend it to foster parents. This kid-free time you’re setting aside for yourself in the mornings or evenings is going to make the biggest difference in your day when you use it to simplify, or free you up the rest of the day.

So determine what that ONE thing is you want to accomplish without the kiddos (i.e. cooking). Figure out how much time that takes. Then determine when you need to get up, or go to bed, to make that happen.

Get up before they go to bed or stay up after they do. Whatever works best for YOU, but don’t do both.

Why? Because you need to sleep. You can’t burn the midnight oil AND be part of the 4am club. You will kill yourself. Sleep is highly important. I’m not going to source this stuff because (well, I don’t have time to find it) but do your own research. Look at how sleep effects cortisol levels (that’s scientific speak for stress), cognitive functioning, weight gain, immunity, and a host of other issues.

“Okay, that’s great Sarah, but HOW?”

Bunny clocks, baby monitors, and the Time Timer.

We have a “bunny clock” that tells our children when it is time to sleep and when it is time to get up. They don’t get out of bed until that clock “wakes up” or the alarm goes off. I LOVE this system. It works for ALL ages. The youngest child can see when the bunny is “sleeping” or “awake” and the oldest child can look at the actual clock and hear the alarm. The alarm is optional and we keep it off for our little ones so it doesn’t scare them. This works if you are trying to establish your kid-free time in the evening or the morning. In the evening, it helps because there is a visual reminder to your kids that it is bed time. If that bunny is asleep they need to lay in bed quietly. The same concept is wonderful for the morning. You can start teaching this at about 18 months but they won’t actually “get it” till at least age two and sometimes age three. That is where the baby monitor comes in.
You need one through which you can talk to your kids. I prefer the video kind (this is the one we use) but even if you don’t have the video kind, as long as you can talk to your kids via the monitor this will work. You teach. When they start making noise in the morning, you remind them “shhh, its sleeping time, be quiet.” Now, you’ll have to experiment. You can’t correct each noise or it becomes a reinforcement. They talk or make noise just to get you to talk to them. So, be judicious. Kids are going to make noise if they are awake. My goal is that they don’t talk or make noises that will keep others awake. Rewards and natural consequences are great too, but you still need to be able to talk to them and send occasional reminders or their insecurity sets in and they get “crazy”. The fact that they know you can see them and are aware of them provides a level of security that enables them to stay in bed when they are supposed to be resting.
Lastly, the Time Timer. This is for those of you who want quiet time at night but it’s not time for lights out yet. It is a powerful visual that works for all ages and abilities. It is quiet because it is manual, you don’t have to plug it, it only uses one battery, and you can set it for as little as 5 minutes to as long as an hour. You can set the timer up in your kids’ room and give them a quiet activity. Since our kids struggle with this type of independence, I suggest having your kiddos do these activities in their own beds. This provides a clear and individual boundary that gives security and helps them be successful. However, you do what works for you. Some quiet activity suggestions are audio books, MagnaDoodle, and quiet toys.

To simplify, A Bunny Clock to tell them when to lay quietly and when to wake up. Crystal’s Make Over Your Mornings or Make Over Your Evenings Course to give you 5 minutes a day of very practical ways to make the most of these quiet times you’ve just instituted for yourself and your kiddos. A Baby Monitor to talk to them and remind them that it’s quiet time. And, a Time Timer for quiet time when they don’t need to be sleeping. Then, when your children are up for the day, you’ll be able to give them much more time and undivided attention. It’s a win-win for you both.

You Can do this! :0) Sarah

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(Note: I created the image using Pic Monkey’s free photo editing website. Check them out here. This post may also contain affiliate links. For more information, read my Disclosure Policy here.)

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