So, the kids are back in school and you’re trying to re-group.

Good for you! I feel like this time of year can be a fresh start for everyone. I know I’ve been working on our new schedule for a few weeks now but don’t have it pinned down yet. Once I do, I want to provide my kiddos enough support that they can walk through their morning routine with some level of independence. Ha! I KNOW our kids really do need hand holding. And that’s okay. I love to provide that, as long as it’s helping them toward the bigger goal of self-confidence and independence. And I’ve got a few tricks I think are really going to help with that this year.

1. This Unique Printable

Structure and routine are critical for my foster kiddos’ but as much as they rely on those routines they fight them as well! They feel secure knowing what the next step is going to be but they distract themselves from getting there! Gosh, I love them, but getting everyone out the door for school is a monumental feat! That’s why I’m excited for each of my children to start their day with one of these this year.

I’m not showing the entire page for copyright reasons, but It’s one of the printable pages from the Back-to-School 2016-17 planner included in the Parenting Super Bundle. Because it’s a printable planner, I’m able to use as little or as much of it as I like. There is also an afternoon checklist which I’ll introduce to my children once we have the morning checklist down.  And, instead of writing in each morning task, I’m going to have my kiddos draw a picture representing each task. Images are powerful cues – especially for my children – and by having them draw it I hope to instill their routine a little bit deeper. I know there will be a lot of hand-holding as they learn how to navigate this page, but that’s okay! It’s one more step to a successful morning and life-long skills.

Here’s part of the afternoon checklist I’ll be introducing later; it’s excellent! There’s a place further down titled “Don’t Forget!” Again, I’m not showing the entire page for copyright reasons.

 

Then, there are a few pages I’ll be printing for my own personal use, like this one! I just love the large spaces to jot down lunch ideas. And, with a box for each food group it makes it easy to keep the lunches healthy and balanced (partial image only).

 

 

2. These Visual Routines

For extra support, and a strong visual reminder, I’m hanging one of these in each room involving their morning routine. There will be one in the bedroom, the bathroom, the dining room, etc. I’m hoping this will either cut down on distractions, or help them re-group when they get off-task. Because, every time my kiddos move from one part of the routine to another they become distracted. The reason these visual routines are perfect, is because the characters can be placed in any order you need them to be! So, it’s easy to tailor the charts for your family’s needs. These are also included in the Parenting Super Bundle. Again, I’ve only included partial images for copyright reasons.

 

3. These Customizable Chore Cards

Over the summer, I tried teaching each child a new skill such as folding or sweeping, but it was hit or miss, and I didn’t have a good system. So, when the Parenting Super Bundle came out this week and I found these customizable chore cards inside was thrilled! I love the graphics and ease of use.

This is just one example of the card options. They range from making your bed to taking out the trash! Each card is easy to read, has a cute image and can be edited. Yep! That’s the genius part, I can go in and type exactly what I want on each card before printing. I plan on laminating these and paper clipping one chore card to each child’s after school checklist. As each kiddo moves through their after school routine and gets to the chore part, they can bring their card to me and we can work on the chore together. Once they’ve mastered it, I can replace it with a new chore card.

4. These other Resources

The printables I’m using as my kids get back into their school routine are just three of the 80 resources in the Parenting Super bundle (including over 1,750 printable pages!). I’ve ignored a number of bundles in the past, but this one has been invaluable. As a foster parent, I am HIGHLY recommending this one. The pintables alone have

given me relief as I implement a new school year schedule, but more than that the eCourses by Child therapists on Emotion Coaching as well as Anxiety, and the book “Self-Care for Foster and Adoptive families” written by a foster mom have already been invaluable for my family. I was worried that because there were so many good things inside I would be overwhelmed (I HATE mental clutter!), but I wasn’t. the navigation system and layout are very well done and finding what you want is extremely simple. I encourage you to check it out here. If you’ve got more questions or are still unsure, take a look at this cute video I made about the Parenting Super Bundle. It’s actually being crazily discounted right now ( it’s $29.99 for over $1,850 in materials)! The Anxiety course alone is worth $125 and TODAY is the LAST DAY its available. So, click here and see if it’s a good fit for your family.

(Note: This post may also contain affiliate links. For more information, read my Disclosure Policy here.)

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Lately, I’ve been learning a lot about how to support my kiddos in their emotional development. I tend to be detail oriented and delve into the complex nature of all their issues. But, sometimes, I just need to back up and keep it simple. So, I’ve distilled a lot of what I’ve been learning into three simple steps. When done in this order, they hit at the heart of supporting your child’s emotional needs.

1. Listen

As adults, there are emotions that we quickly recognize as over-reactions but your child doesn’t yet have that perspective. I know it’s really tempting to try moving him through his emotions as quickly as possible by giving him a quick hug or saying “It’s okay. You’ll be fine.” And, honestly, there are times when that’s all we can do. But, more often than not, we can take a minute or two to help him process. This starts by listening. Ask your child how he feels and then let him tell you. For older kids this can look like an open ended, “What’s going on, honey?” Younger children, however, usually respond best to questions such as, “Are you sad?”, or “Was that embarrassing?” These point blank questions help him land on the emotion that fits his situation, even if he didn’t have words for it before.

2. Empathize

By truly listening to how your child is feeling, you’ll be able to empathize with him. Let your child know you understand. Feel with him for a few seconds. This is a moment for you to connect with your child. As you meet him in that moment you build trust. You show your child that you value who he is and what he is experiencing. You prove that you are there for him. You’ll probably need to use words to communicate your empathy as well. This is a step I struggle with. When my kiddo is emotional and I’m right there in the middle of it, I’m not great with words. To solve this, I started putting together a list of phrases I could use in these situations. Clearly, I don’t want a pat response, but they give me a place to start. Phrases such as, “I would be sad if ___________ happened to me too” have been invaluable. I’ll send you my top 10 if you’d like.  Just put your email below and click. Then, check for the confirmation email.

3. Do

This is my favorite part. This is the part I want to jump to right away. I’m a “doer” but that isn’t always what my kids need from me. Many times they just need the first two parts – the listening and the empathizing – and then they can do the “doing” on their own. However, once you’ve listened and empathized and can tell your kiddo still need help, it’s time to problem solve with him. Sometimes that means addressing the original issue, and sometimes it means exploring ways to express his current emotions. Addressing the original issue might look like, “What’s something you can say the next time your friend does that? Would you like to go say that right now?” Addressing the original issue usually means handling a problem that’s within your child’s control and finding a mutually agreeable solution for all parties involved. If, however, it’s a situation your child has no control over, problem solving will focus on appropriate ways he can express his emotions. That might look like this, “I’m sorry you feel left out. It can hurt when friends do something and don’t invite you. Here, grab your shoes. Let’s go for a walk and you can tell me about it.”

4. Free Empathy Resource

I’m going to be discussing this topic more in-depth in the next few weeks. You’re invited to listen in if you’d like. Just put your email below and click.  I’ll share what I’m learning and let you know when I write something new.  Oh, and I’ll send you the top 10 phrases right away.

(Note: I created the image using Pic Monkey’s free photo editing website. Check them out here. This post may also contain affiliate links. For more information, read my Disclosure Policy here.)

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There’s a phrase you’ll hear a lot as a foster parent – “I don’t love you!”

It’s said a million ways on a million days for a million reasons and always, always repeated.

“I don’t love you!”

Sometimes it’s cried desperately through tears and sadness.

“I don’t love you!”

Sometimes screamed, yelled, and said with fists clenched. Or, muttered under breath with an evil sideways glance.

“I don’t love you!”

It comes from our children. It’s directed at us, their siblings – life. But, in our home, there’s only ever one response you’ll hear from us as parents. It’s one we’re intentional about –one that addresses life when it hangs in the balance.

“But I love you.”

It goes like this:

I’m cleaning up the dinner dishes while the kiddos watch a show before bed. Putting the last dish in the dishwasher, I start it and join the kids for the rest of their movie. “When this is over its time for bed.” I announce.  

“I don’t want to!” comes the quick reply.

“I know you don’t want to, but when this is over its time for bed.”

“It’s not fair! I don’t love you anymore!”

And, there it is. Whether it’s an excuse, a distraction, or a half-truth doesn’t matter. I meet it the same way, each and every time.

I breathe deeply, releasing the negativity beginning to dig into the back of my brain. Then, gathering all the love and genuine affection I have for this youngster, I turn my eyes from the movie to him. With deep and genuine affection, I hold his gaze before saying, “but I love you.”

And that is where the conversation ENDS. It has to. There cannot be any more discussion, any more excuses or whining or back and forth because the message I want to send, the one I want to sink in deep, is love. But how do I make that happen? How do I actually end the conversation? If said child is in hugging range, a deep pressure hug usually relaxes her and keeps the “no you don’t!” from surfacing. But, if not, I might gently squeezing her hand and leave the room so she can’t continue to argue. I do whatever I need to do to exit the “I don’t love you” conversation graciously so she is only left with my genuine affection. I’ll come back when the movie is over and scoot everyone off to bed then.

It sounds disgustingly sweet, I know. Like some kind of syrup that will suffocate you. And many days, it sounds impossible. Even just writing it makes me want to feign gagging sounds. Because, I’m nowhere near a saint and somehow this tiny piece of what I do right makes me look perfect. I’m not. Days are hard, and I fail in so many ways. There are many, many situations I handle with frustration, impatience, or downright anger – situations I’m not proud of – angry looks and harsh words I wish I could take back. But this one – the “I don’t love you” scenario – this one triggers compassion. There’s something about it that, no matter how exhausted or frustrated I am, usually short-circuits my thoughts to whisper “Find your compassion, find the love you have for this child, because, THIS, RIGHT NOW, is the essence of what you do.”  

What if “I don’t love you” is  just an excuse?

Oh, it can be! So many times the “I don’t love you” is thrown around to escape a situation the child doesn’t like. I know that, but whether it’s an excuse, a distraction, or a half-truth, I always treat it with genuine affection and a “but I love you” response. Here’s why.

• If it is a distraction and I say something like, “You’re just saying that because you don’t want to go to bed.” All I’ve done is given into their distraction. I’ve headed into another conversation about another issue – mainly whether or not they are telling the truth. Instead, the focus needs to be on the fact that I do, indeed, love them and it’s time to go to bed.
• What if I address it as a distraction and happen to be wrong in that instant? What if, in that moment, they really feel as if they don’t love me? If I dismiss it, I lose their trust and I shut down any real conversation about other emotions they might want to discuss in the future.
• Their half-hearted, “I don’t love you” gives me an opportunity to show them our family’s core values. My love for them as their parent isn’t dependent on their love for me. The opportunity to express THIS is far more valuable to me than any other type of conversation that could come from their distraction. It’s the heart of why we are foster parents and it’s the heart of the gospel. This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins (1 John 4:10)
• It fosters security. Knowing that I love them even if they don’t love me gives them security in our relationship. Security is the foundation to a good relationship. See more about this in my popular series on attachment.

So, does it “work”?

Are they getting it? Do they realize that they might not love me but I will still love them? Honestly?

I didn’t know.

I knew it reflected who we were as parents. I knew my intentions with it, and what I wanted it to accomplish in them, but I had no idea if it was actually doing any of those things.

Until yesterday.

Here is a conversation I watched play out between two of my children.

Background: Justin was trying to get Cameron to do things his way.  Cameron wasn’t interested in Justin’s way and clearly communicated that. Justin wasn’t going to take “no” for an answer. He needed ammo – something to convince his brother to do things his way.

Justin: “I don’t love you!”

Cameron (looks up at Justin with deep kindness): “I still love you”

Justin: “But I don’t! I don’t love you!”

Cameron (stops what he is doing and gently says): “but I still love you”

That was it! End of conversation.

Justin knew that Cameron wasn’t going to give into his demands and so he went back to his previous way of doing things. There was no more fighting, throwing or worse. No long battles or angry words, just love.

Wow. I sat in awe. Cameron got it! He actually got it! There was no sarcasm in his “I love you”, no hint of playing a part. He was genuinely kind and caring toward his brother. True love – in the midst of difficulty – when someone was unkind and unloving to him he chose to love.

And Justin, although he was the offender, knew Cameron meant it. It was enough. He didn’t keep pushing or demanding his way. He took “I love you” as an answer and went back to his previous way of doing things.

Wow.

So, does it work? Yes, yes it does. At least here, at least now, on this tiny little spot in the world we call our home, it works. So Mama, keep loving. Keep living this life before them. And know, that they do indeed see. Whether they choose to accept it or reject it is up to them, but while they are in your home, they will have experienced it. And that will make a difference.

Free Attachment Resource

Fostering a secure relationship with your kiddos is oh, so important! Here are 4 elements of a secure attachment and activities to establish it with your children. Put your email address here and “click” so I can send it to you.

You’ll Also Like:

Supporting Your Child’s Emotional Growth When You’re Floundering

How to Make Food Without Your Kids Yelling “Mom!” Every Two Seconds

(Note: I created the image using Pic Monkey’s free photo editing website. Check them out here. This post may also contain affiliate links. For more information, read my Disclosure Policy here.)

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