We show up to the therapy session, children, books, and snacks in tow. Its mid-week and we are a little worn out.  This “intensive week” of daily sessions is turning out to be just that. We’ve been going at it for three days now. The sessions themselves aren’t traumatic, it’s the coaxing, cajoling, encouraging, and level of emotional engagement with our children that’s taxing. It’s the seeing yourself on video knowing you did your best in the moment, and that your best was pretty darn good, but there is still room for improvement, intensive. It’s the mindset shifts, the theological workings out, the getting to the heart of your children (and your own) struggle that’s exhausting. Plus, the packing, driving, reading, and traveling. That wears on anyone. The week has been intensive for them too.

But we show up.

We show up hopeful. We show up thinking. We show up because we know this is what we need to do.

And you would too if it was your child’s heart on the line.

“Is the relationship being regulated through love or fear? The child, in order to trust, must discover the adults in her life are secure…” (Loving Parents: Raising Hurting Children pg 10)

The therapist meets us in the lobby, inviting us back. I go with her, taking only one of our children back.  This is all about an individual relationship between one child and one parent. We play games, sing songs, and read books specifically designed to address our struggles with the attachment process, but always in a fun, light manner. Then we trade. It’s my husband’s turn to take one of our other children back. An hour and a half later, we review our recorded sessions.

As we sit together, the therapist is looking for four key elements in our interactions with our children. These are the elements that comprise a securely attached relationship.

For the free printable with 4 key elements and activities click below.

1. Nurture

This is the “natural interactive affection between adults and children.” (Sudsberry). You see nurture in a person’s body language, such as winks and arms open wide to receive hugs. You hear it in their laughter and positive praise of others, and you experience it via appropriate hugs, high-fives, and shoulder rubs. All human beings need nurture, but when given from adult to child it helps establish trust on the child’s part and, over time, creates a desire in the child to receive more nurture from you. It draws them into the relationship.

Providing copious amounts of nurture to your foster child is one of the most important things you can do. The following three aspects of a secure relationship are meaningless without the presence of a lot of nurture. Think about it, your foster child comes to you scared. He/she may or may not show it, but he is scared. He’s been removed from everything he knows and forced to live with strangers. He often comes with ideas about life and about adults’ ability to love him or care for him that don’t match your home environment. You will most likely have more structure in your home than he/she is accustomed to. You might require more engagement or participation in family life than he is used to, or this might be the first time that he doesn’t have to take care of his own needs. Nurture – interactive affection – will go the furthest in your relationship with this child.

2. Structure

The traumatized child hasn’t learned to trust. He/she wants to take control of every situation because his past experiences tells him this is the only way to stay safe. Providing clear structure, boundaries or “rules” challenges the child to let go of control and to trust. This is only possible if the parents also simultaneously increase the nurture – inviting the child in to trust you because you deeply care about him. While many foster children will resist structure, they cannot ultimately feel safe and learn to trust you without it. Again, structure and nurture MUST work simultaneously. To wrap your head around what that looks like, read another post I wrote called “Why Your Foster Child Needs You and Hates You“.

One way to focus on your foster child’s need to let go of control and trust you, is to play an age appropriate game that doesn’t involve electronics, boards, cards, etc. The focus is on your direct interaction with your child. Clearly establish the rules and require the child to participate to those exact standards. The child will most likely try to take control by participating on his own terms – thus displaying his lack of trust. It is up to the adult to clearly enforce the rules while coaxing the child into the game the correct way. Gentle coaxing is nurturing. You are inviting the child in lovingly. The goal is for the child to decide, on his own, to give up control and submit to your safe guidance. Games might include: duck- duck -goose (no throwing self on the ground, or exaggeration is acceptable as this is a form of trying to take control), Simon Says where you are Simon. Don’t make Simon Says too challenging for him to “win”. If you do, you’re just encouraging him to take control by losing on purpose.

3. Challenge

To challenge a child is to set before him/her the next step of growth he needs to take and then hold firm to your expectation that he grow into it. Again, this only works if you simultaneously increase the nurture you provide. Stepping up to the challenge you’ve set for him requires that he trust you. It needs to be a challenge you know he can attain. Then, when he does, he will once again see that not only can he do it, but he can trust your guidance in his life. This establishes a healthy attachment with you.

For example, your child might be anxious about meeting his new teacher. However, you know this is a challenge he can and should step up to. You will increase the amount of nurture you provide in order to ensure his success. You might talk to your child about his new teacher and what the meeting will look like as you’re walking in. You might give him a specific phrase to say to her such as, “I’m Josh, and I like video games. What do you like?” If he gets to the meet-and-greet and can’t talk, you might ask the teacher to show you both around the room, eventually circling back to encouraging him to speak directly with his teacher. Your goal is that he steps into meeting her himself. If he just isn’t going to talk to her, modify it and have him shake hands silently. Remember, this is a challenge for him. When we challenge our children it involves some level of discomfort or even anxiety on their part. So modifying your request for something the first few times is often appropriate. Your child’s resistance to stepping up to the challenge isn’t pure rebellion, it’s usually fear. You modifying it shows nurture on your part, and insisting your child go through with the modified version with your support helps him to overcome the fear. Modified or not, the challenge is the same, him taking a step of growth with you supporting every moment involved.

4. Engagement

Engagement is participation in the relationship. It is your foster child’s willingness to interact with you. Improvement in this area is for the child that withdraws or refuses to participate. It is helpful to remember that this type of behavior is fueled by fear. Within attachment, you want to encourage the child to engage with you. This might look like participating in small jobs around the house and having the child hand you things. It might look like doing hand motions to a song together or playing catch with a ball. When combined with nurture – direct eye contact, positive touch, or praise – it is very powerful. When tied with playfulness, the sense of “fun” engagement leaves your child with provides a sense of security that encourages him/her to explore the world in positive ways. Establishing a sense of engagement through play, when you are both having fun and relaxing, will provide a necessary base of support when it comes to more challenging situations – such as the example above when Josh met his new teacher.

“Healing the child’s heart means being present for them no matter how the child feels.” Loving Parents: Raising Hurting Children pg 32

Wrapping up our review of the recorded sessions, we ask questions of the therapist. We gather children, books, and empty snack containers. We’re more tired than when we arrived, but more confident too. We’re on the right track. We’re working through the hard and we’re setting ourselves up for a vulnerably-safe relationship with our children. We wave good-bye, and on the car ride home I pull out the computer to write this. I want to help you and your children too. So, I make a free printable of these four elements and activities to go with them. Put your name and email below then “click”.

I’ll send it to you. May you leave here with more confidence than before.

You’ll Also Like Reading:

Why Does One Foster Child Feel Like two?

(Note: I created the image using Pic Monkey’s free photo editing website. Check them out here. This post may also contain affiliate links. For more information, read my Disclosure Policy here.)

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