It’s interesting the way we talk about our children when they are our foster children.
When they come to us they are our children.
I am their mom.
I might only be their mom for today, but the moment they enter our home, I am just as much their parent as any of my own children.
I know I’m not their only parent. I know their biological parents are first and foremost in their life. I want to see these children reunited with their biological families as quickly as possible, but that doesn’t change the fact that, while they are in my home, they are also my children.
I will fight for them.
I will do what needs to be done on my end to give them what they need.
It doesn’t mean the emotional bond with these children is already established (read “What if You Want to Foster but You’re Terrified?). But, it means I will work quickly and diligently to establish it as much as I possibly can on my end.
And yet, for all the ways in which these foster children are indeed my children as well as their biological family’s…we still talk about them differently.
It’s subtle.
It’s not demeaning.
But it is different.
Just this last week I saw it happen in our home.
My husband and I were making decisions about upcoming family activities. There was one activity I really wanted on the table, but, as we talked, it became apparent that one of our kiddos just wasn’t ready yet. And, this is what my husband said.
“Maybe next year. Next year we won’t have a [10] year old.” (age has been changed to respect the privacy of our children)
Did you catch it?
Next year we won’t have…
Different.
Had this been one of our permanent children we would have said, “Next year Johnny will be 11”, or “Next year Johnny will be ready for that.”
But, no. That’s now what my husband said. He said, “Next year we won’t have a 10 year old.”
And, that’s the difference in foster parenting.
Because he’s right.
Next year we won’t have a 10 year old. Next year Johnny might be with us and he might be 11, or, he might be home with his biological family. Either way, we won’t have a 10 year old.
So, as much as I fight for our foster children to be 100% at home in our family, there still are, and always will be little ways in which we talk about them differently.
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