Lately, I’ve been learning a lot about how to support my kiddos in their emotional development. I tend to be detail oriented and delve into the complex nature of all their issues. But, sometimes, I just need to back up and keep it simple. So, I’ve distilled a lot of what I’ve been learning into three simple steps. When done in this order, they hit at the heart of supporting your child’s emotional needs.

1. Listen

As adults, there are emotions that we quickly recognize as over-reactions but your child doesn’t yet have that perspective. I know it’s really tempting to try moving him through his emotions as quickly as possible by giving him a quick hug or saying “It’s okay. You’ll be fine.” And, honestly, there are times when that’s all we can do. But, more often than not, we can take a minute or two to help him process. This starts by listening. Ask your child how he feels and then let him tell you. For older kids this can look like an open ended, “What’s going on, honey?” Younger children, however, usually respond best to questions such as, “Are you sad?”, or “Was that embarrassing?” These point blank questions help him land on the emotion that fits his situation, even if he didn’t have words for it before.

2. Empathize

By truly listening to how your child is feeling, you’ll be able to empathize with him. Let your child know you understand. Feel with him for a few seconds. This is a moment for you to connect with your child. As you meet him in that moment you build trust. You show your child that you value who he is and what he is experiencing. You prove that you are there for him. You’ll probably need to use words to communicate your empathy as well. This is a step I struggle with. When my kiddo is emotional and I’m right there in the middle of it, I’m not great with words. To solve this, I started putting together a list of phrases I could use in these situations. Clearly, I don’t want a pat response, but they give me a place to start. Phrases such as, “I would be sad if ___________ happened to me too” have been invaluable. I’ll send you my top 10 if you’d like.  Just put your email below and click. Then, check for the confirmation email.

3. Do

This is my favorite part. This is the part I want to jump to right away. I’m a “doer” but that isn’t always what my kids need from me. Many times they just need the first two parts – the listening and the empathizing – and then they can do the “doing” on their own. However, once you’ve listened and empathized and can tell your kiddo still need help, it’s time to problem solve with him. Sometimes that means addressing the original issue, and sometimes it means exploring ways to express his current emotions. Addressing the original issue might look like, “What’s something you can say the next time your friend does that? Would you like to go say that right now?” Addressing the original issue usually means handling a problem that’s within your child’s control and finding a mutually agreeable solution for all parties involved. If, however, it’s a situation your child has no control over, problem solving will focus on appropriate ways he can express his emotions. That might look like this, “I’m sorry you feel left out. It can hurt when friends do something and don’t invite you. Here, grab your shoes. Let’s go for a walk and you can tell me about it.”

4. Free Empathy Resource

I’m going to be discussing this topic more in-depth in the next few weeks. You’re invited to listen in if you’d like. Just put your email below and click.  I’ll share what I’m learning and let you know when I write something new.  Oh, and I’ll send you the top 10 phrases right away.

(Note: I created the image using Pic Monkey’s free photo editing website. Check them out here. This post may also contain affiliate links. For more information, read my Disclosure Policy here.)

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There’s a phrase you’ll hear a lot as a foster parent – “I don’t love you!”

It’s said a million ways on a million days for a million reasons and always, always repeated.

“I don’t love you!”

Sometimes it’s cried desperately through tears and sadness.

“I don’t love you!”

Sometimes screamed, yelled, and said with fists clenched. Or, muttered under breath with an evil sideways glance.

“I don’t love you!”

It comes from our children. It’s directed at us, their siblings – life. But, in our home, there’s only ever one response you’ll hear from us as parents. It’s one we’re intentional about –one that addresses life when it hangs in the balance.

“But I love you.”

It goes like this:

I’m cleaning up the dinner dishes while the kiddos watch a show before bed. Putting the last dish in the dishwasher, I start it and join the kids for the rest of their movie. “When this is over its time for bed.” I announce.  

“I don’t want to!” comes the quick reply.

“I know you don’t want to, but when this is over its time for bed.”

“It’s not fair! I don’t love you anymore!”

And, there it is. Whether it’s an excuse, a distraction, or a half-truth doesn’t matter. I meet it the same way, each and every time.

I breathe deeply, releasing the negativity beginning to dig into the back of my brain. Then, gathering all the love and genuine affection I have for this youngster, I turn my eyes from the movie to him. With deep and genuine affection, I hold his gaze before saying, “but I love you.”

And that is where the conversation ENDS. It has to. There cannot be any more discussion, any more excuses or whining or back and forth because the message I want to send, the one I want to sink in deep, is love. But how do I make that happen? How do I actually end the conversation? If said child is in hugging range, a deep pressure hug usually relaxes her and keeps the “no you don’t!” from surfacing. But, if not, I might gently squeezing her hand and leave the room so she can’t continue to argue. I do whatever I need to do to exit the “I don’t love you” conversation graciously so she is only left with my genuine affection. I’ll come back when the movie is over and scoot everyone off to bed then.

It sounds disgustingly sweet, I know. Like some kind of syrup that will suffocate you. And many days, it sounds impossible. Even just writing it makes me want to feign gagging sounds. Because, I’m nowhere near a saint and somehow this tiny piece of what I do right makes me look perfect. I’m not. Days are hard, and I fail in so many ways. There are many, many situations I handle with frustration, impatience, or downright anger – situations I’m not proud of – angry looks and harsh words I wish I could take back. But this one – the “I don’t love you” scenario – this one triggers compassion. There’s something about it that, no matter how exhausted or frustrated I am, usually short-circuits my thoughts to whisper “Find your compassion, find the love you have for this child, because, THIS, RIGHT NOW, is the essence of what you do.”  

What if “I don’t love you” is  just an excuse?

Oh, it can be! So many times the “I don’t love you” is thrown around to escape a situation the child doesn’t like. I know that, but whether it’s an excuse, a distraction, or a half-truth, I always treat it with genuine affection and a “but I love you” response. Here’s why.

• If it is a distraction and I say something like, “You’re just saying that because you don’t want to go to bed.” All I’ve done is given into their distraction. I’ve headed into another conversation about another issue – mainly whether or not they are telling the truth. Instead, the focus needs to be on the fact that I do, indeed, love them and it’s time to go to bed.
• What if I address it as a distraction and happen to be wrong in that instant? What if, in that moment, they really feel as if they don’t love me? If I dismiss it, I lose their trust and I shut down any real conversation about other emotions they might want to discuss in the future.
• Their half-hearted, “I don’t love you” gives me an opportunity to show them our family’s core values. My love for them as their parent isn’t dependent on their love for me. The opportunity to express THIS is far more valuable to me than any other type of conversation that could come from their distraction. It’s the heart of why we are foster parents and it’s the heart of the gospel. This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins (1 John 4:10)
• It fosters security. Knowing that I love them even if they don’t love me gives them security in our relationship. Security is the foundation to a good relationship. See more about this in my popular series on attachment.

So, does it “work”?

Are they getting it? Do they realize that they might not love me but I will still love them? Honestly?

I didn’t know.

I knew it reflected who we were as parents. I knew my intentions with it, and what I wanted it to accomplish in them, but I had no idea if it was actually doing any of those things.

Until yesterday.

Here is a conversation I watched play out between two of my children.

Background: Justin was trying to get Cameron to do things his way.  Cameron wasn’t interested in Justin’s way and clearly communicated that. Justin wasn’t going to take “no” for an answer. He needed ammo – something to convince his brother to do things his way.

Justin: “I don’t love you!”

Cameron (looks up at Justin with deep kindness): “I still love you”

Justin: “But I don’t! I don’t love you!”

Cameron (stops what he is doing and gently says): “but I still love you”

That was it! End of conversation.

Justin knew that Cameron wasn’t going to give into his demands and so he went back to his previous way of doing things. There was no more fighting, throwing or worse. No long battles or angry words, just love.

Wow. I sat in awe. Cameron got it! He actually got it! There was no sarcasm in his “I love you”, no hint of playing a part. He was genuinely kind and caring toward his brother. True love – in the midst of difficulty – when someone was unkind and unloving to him he chose to love.

And Justin, although he was the offender, knew Cameron meant it. It was enough. He didn’t keep pushing or demanding his way. He took “I love you” as an answer and went back to his previous way of doing things.

Wow.

So, does it work? Yes, yes it does. At least here, at least now, on this tiny little spot in the world we call our home, it works. So Mama, keep loving. Keep living this life before them. And know, that they do indeed see. Whether they choose to accept it or reject it is up to them, but while they are in your home, they will have experienced it. And that will make a difference.

Free Attachment Resource

Fostering a secure relationship with your kiddos is oh, so important! Here are 4 elements of a secure attachment and activities to establish it with your children. Put your email address here and “click” so I can send it to you.

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(Note: I created the image using Pic Monkey’s free photo editing website. Check them out here. This post may also contain affiliate links. For more information, read my Disclosure Policy here.)

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When it comes to the day-in and day-out aspects of parenting my foster children, I find that much of what I do is actually addressing their social and emotional development.

Spacing out and shutting down

Social and emotional development

Melt downs

Social and emotional development

Aggression

Social and emotional development

Being overwhelmed with life

Social and emotional development

Communicating what actually happened and how they felt about it

Social and emotional development

And, to be honest, this is a part of life I’m not very good at myself. As a natural introvert and INTJ personality, I pretty much suck at it.

But it’s what my kiddos need.

And so I do what I need to in order to meet those needs.

I get help.

And guess what?

Seeking out help? That’s a very emotionally intelligent thing to do. :0)

What I did about it

The absolute best decision we made in regards to this was to begin attachment therapy with our kiddos. I wrote an entire series on it here. This has helped us make incredible ground in overcoming their past trauma, establishing trust, and learning new ways to interact with our children.

But, recently, I’ve been seeing layers. Layers in the way my children are handling emotions. It’s as if they are learning a skill that is age appropriate while also dealing with the need to express emotions on a much younger level.  It’s perplexing, and helping them work through multiple stages simultaneously is quite challenging.

So, I went on the hunt for more information and I found this. It’s an amazing resource similar to the book Yardsticks  that I love. While Yardsticks focuses on what we can practically expect kids to do in an academic setting, this site focuses on how parents can actively support their child’s development. Both Yardsticks and the Parent Tool Kit break down the developmental stages by age. This makes it easy to identify what skills we should be seeing in children at each stage. The one drawback to the Parent Took Kit is a very busy design and takes a little filtering to find the social and emotional benchmarks.

Since I have foster children that exhibit layers of social and emotional skills – some age appropriate and some not – the Parent Tool Kit has been incredibly useful.  It has helped me pin down exactly where my children fall with each skill and suggested ways I can be assisting them as they move on to the next developmental level. In a way, I’m hoping to “catch them up” on the skills that are lagging behind while continuing to support the age appropriate ones they already display. I realize that these things can’t be rushed, and that my kiddos needs to process through at their own pace, but, I can be intentional in supporting that development. And, in so doing, I can help them move through the stages more effectively. It’s a process I used extensively as a Special Educator. It’s academically very effective but I’m just now learning to apply it to my foster children’s social and emotional well-being.

Using the Parent Tool Kit to Help Your Child

You can access the social and emotional growth charts directly by using this link. Once there, you will see topics such as self-awareness and self-management. Choose your child’s grade level and either click on or filter for “benchmarks” to see what behaviors can be expected in these areas. You will most likely find skills that your child currently exhibit and those she has yet to master. When you find an area she isn’t proficient in, I highly suggest you look at the younger grade benchmarks until you find the skill your child HAS mastered. This is critical in understanding how to best help her.

For example, if you have a 6^th grader that isn’t able to predict future emotions based on current choices (and to change those current choices to have a more positive emotional outcome in the future), drop down to the 5^th grade growth chart. At 5^th grade children might not be able to predict future emotions, but they should be able to recognize current emotions and be able to change their behavior in the moment. If your 6^th grade child is still struggling with this 5^th grade expectation, continue to go back farther until you find the skill she excels at. Then, build on that.

If your child is functioning two or more levels behind, you won’t be able to “jump ahead”. Social and Emotional development continues in stages that must be worked through in order to get to the next. Children will spend different amounts of time in different stages – working through them at their own pace. But, if you know where they are currently, you can support their move to the next stage by focusing attention on that skill. So, if your 6^th grader is functioning at a 4^th grade level, it won’t be beneficial to try to get her to mature faster by working on 6^th grade level skills. The way you help her “catch up” is to draw her attention to the next stage of development – in this instance, the 5^th grade level skills. It is your active leadership that will help her move onto the next stage quicker than if she had no guidance. But remember, it is still up to her to work through each stage. Your job is to draw her attention to the next skill and support her as she does the actual work of moving forward.

Taking this information to school

As a special educator, there is, what we call, a zone of proximal development. It is “the difference between what a learner can do without help and what he or she can do with help.” So, your 6^th grader functioning at a 4^th grade level is currently able to function at that 4^th grade level without help. However, with your help she can most likely learn the 5^th grade social and emotional skill set. The 5^th grade social and emotional skill set is within her zone of proximal development. However, the 6^th grade skills, might be out of reach even with your help. In this case, the 6^th grade skills would be outside of her zone of proximal development. That’s why it’s critical to get a good understanding of what your foster child is currently capable of so that you can support her growth without frustrating either of you.

Helping Teachers Implement Positive Changes

When speaking with your foster child’s teacher about her social needs at school, understanding the zone of proximal development should give your input considerable weight. Communicating her delayed emotional stages and pinpointing her zone of proximal development will help establish a positive understanding of her at school. But, you’ll also need an understanding of what it actually looks like to meet those needs on a day-to-day basis. This is where Yardsticks is invaluable. It is much simpler to use than the Parent Took Kit, but you’ll have to overlook the highly dated front cover :0).

Yardsticks is a well-respected educational resource. I used it as a teacher and many teachers have at least heard of it. It provides a picture of how each social and emotional stage plays out in a classroom. So, if you have that 6^th grader we’ve been talking about, you already know that what she needs in a classroom will be different than what her peers need. You can use Yardsticks to demonstrate that difference. For example, Yardsticks explains that most 6^th graders are concerned about “saving face” (pg 139). A practical example of this in the classroom would be a teacher giving students more independence in their work, and talking to them about misunderstandings in a private setting. However, if your foster daughter is still emotionally a 4^th grader, she probably worries more than her peers and desires more teacher involvement, not less (Yardsticks pg 113). This means that a 6^th grade teacher’s typical response to give your daughter space to work things out on her own might not help her. She probably needs more direct teacher interaction. And, if she isn’t yet concerned about saving face like her peers are, then the additional teacher support can be freely given.

3 Steps to Speaking with Your Foster Child’s Teacher

1. Explain that your child’s social and emotional development is younger than her age
2. Clearly communicate what your child’s zone of proximal development is when it comes to her emotional skills
3. Provide practical suggestions from Yardsticks to address her current emotional needs

Free Attachment Resource

Fostering a secure relationship with your kiddos is oh, so important! Here are 4 elements of a secure attachment and activities to establish it with your children. Put your email address here and “click” so I can send it to you.

(Note: I created the image using Pic Monkey’s free photo editing website. Check them out here. This post may also contain affiliate links. For more information, read my Disclosure Policy here.)

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