My Foster Child’s Relatives reached out for the First Time & Want to Adopt – WHY NOW?

04.28.2018 by Sarah //

My Foster Child's Relatives reached out for the first time and want to adopt why now?

“Hello”, you answer the phone curtly, dreading this call.

You know DCS has been searching for your foster daughter’s relatives. She’s been your foster child for years now and your love is deep. Loosing her is going to hurt.

But, this is what I signed up for. You try to remind yourself.

It’s the truth, but your heart won’t listen.

“The background check and home study for her aunt came back. Everything checked out. We’ll meet to discuss transitioning her within the week.”

Cold

You’re heart’s elevator ride straight to your feet has left you cold. It’s only the mechanical routine of politeness that keeps you from screaming,

“Why now!?” “It’s been years! YEARS!”

But you’re mouth says “When’s the meeting?”

There aren’t words for the way this feels. Her case has reached termination and those willing to raise her have come out of the woodwork.

You’ve been up and down the spectrum of emotions as they’ve turned up one-by-one; you signed up to love this kiddo with the hope that she would have a healthy stable home back with her family, but that was years ago.

And now? Now that the trust has been built and the love established you also know the trauma, the deep, deep wounding that will come as she leaves your home. And, now you feel a part of that too.

“Thank you”, your own voice interrupts your thoughts, as you write down the meeting and hang up. Your foster daughter, the one you love, laughs in the other room. It seems wrong that the world didn’t stop the way it should have when you hung up the phone.

Because yours did. It all just fell to pieces.

How does it feel when you learn your foster child is going to live with relatives?

Anger – where was this aunt years ago!? I’ve been sitting here bonding with this child, drawing her out of her shell, calming her rages, and where was this @#% aunt!? If this aunt is a safe care giver then my foster child should have been with her from the beginning. It isn’t right that my foster daughter will have to suffer the loss of one more family. It isn’t right to put her through all that again!

But you know, in the bottom of your heart you know and it’s not fair to the aunt.

Sorrow – my poor foster daughter! This will kill her! She’ll regress, she’ll act out then shut down and especially at school! She’s doing so well right now. All that will change, at least for a time. It’ll get better, later, I know, but it will hurt her. It will hurt her terribly and that hurt won’t every fully go away even after the behaviors have left. And will this aunt know her like I do?

Of course she can’t, not at first, because there’s a learning curve, there is always a learning curve, I’ve seen it in my own home with my foster children. And will my daughter put on a face? Will she make a front just to cope, to survive in a new environment one more time or will she be genuine and real the way she’s finally learned to be with me? Will this aunt love her for who she is?

Sadness and planning – I’ll miss her. How can I make this easier on her? It’s time to print all those digital images I’ve taken, time to write the stories of our time together and send her with the life book I never started but now seems like a life line – a necessity.

Realization – good will come from this. Yes, the trauma of leaving our home and the trust she’s built here will happen, but there is a trauma of not being with biological family too. What would have happened if I’d adopted her? There would have been questions unanswered, things about her past and her family history she would have never known and there is pain there too, so yes, some good will come from this. I just hope it outweighs the bad of leaving.

Where WAS this foster child’s family member the entire time?

And why is this person just now coming forward?

To this I say we don’t ultimately know but here are some of the many possible reasons

Extended family didn’t know the child was in foster care

If this family member doesn’t live within walking distance he or she might not have visited the child’s family for quite some time. If transportation is limited, the child’s family might keep in touch with extended family via the internet or phone. This means, that extended family only knows what the child’s parents tell them.

It’s normal for us to want to keep up appearances. How many times have you answered “fine” when someone asks “How are you?” How many of those times were you actually fine? The child’s parents might “cover” for the child by telling stories of what the child is up to without mentioning that these things are happening in a foster home instead of their home. And since the relative doesn’t see the child on a regular basis, he/she isn’t the wiser.

In order to solve this problem, some states require the Department of Child Services to send notification of a child’s placement in foster care to all known relatives in an attempt to gain support for the child. This, however, doesn’t happen if DCS isn’t aware of a family member’s existence.

Department of Child Services didn’t have knowledge of this relative

There is only so much DCS can do when it comes to tracking down family. Many states require due diligence in this area but parents remain the most knowledgeable source of this information. Sometimes parents don’t inform the Department of Child Services of a relative’s existence until very late in the case.

Social workers know this so they continue to ask parents about extended family members throughout the case. Social workers also continue to search databases available to them throughout the case. A relative might show up in one of those systems who hadn’t been in there before.

The child was required and/or requested to stay in the same county as the parents while the goal of the case was reunification

Distance makes reunification difficult. How many times have you seen foster children placed hours away from their parents because there aren’t enough foster homes in the immediate area?

In my state, this happens way too often. How are parents supposed to work toward reunification if they can’t get enough parenting hours in each week due to their child being so far away? It happens but DCS tries to prevent it. That might be why this family member is just now being looked at. This person might not have been an option until the case moved to termination.

Push came to shove

Let’s face it, taking on a child is a HUGE commitment. If the child has already been placed in a foster home by the time a relative is contacted, the relative might think “They are safe right now and their parents are going to get them back soon…no reason to rock the boat.” But once the relative finds out the foster child isn’t going home with his/her parents that changes things. People step up to make sure the child is with family if he/she can’t go home.

Depending on where you reside, relatives don’t always get the same level of support that foster parents get

Laughable, I know, since many of you struggle to be seen as valid parents in the eyes of the courts. But sometimes there is a level of financial assistance provided to foster families that isn’t initially given to relatives.

In these situations, there might be a small amount of money to purchase basic necessities for the kiddo (such as clothes and a bed) but there isn’t continued financial support until the relative completes training to become a licensed foster parent. The added training requirements to become licensed while transitioning a child into the home and while figuring out a new financial situation can be too much. Relatives might decide to wait to see where the case is headed before jumping through all those hoops.

When all is said and done

Take time to grieve the loss, to process, to be nurtured. Allow others to come along side you and help. Get a good therapist. Take a walk. Write it down. You’ll always love this child from a distance. Pray for them. Keep in touch if you can. And, when you’re ready, continue on. Love again. Parent again. Be a steady, safe place for a kiddo you can wrap around and love well.

You’ve got this.

You’ll Also Like Reading:

Foster Care and Dealing with Uncertainty

Free Attachment Resource

Fostering a secure relationship with your kiddos is oh, so important! Here are 4 elements of a secure attachment and activities to establish it with your children. Put your email address here and “click” so I can send it to you.

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Christian, Self-Care ISN’T selfish – here are the reasons

08.04.2017 by Sarah //

The concept behind putting your own oxygen mask on first makes sense. If you can’t breathe, how can you guide your children to breath?

But, as a Christian, it doesn’t answer this question, “Isn’t putting my own oxygen mask on first looking out for my own interests? What about the verses that say Jesus emptied himself and didn’t look out for His own interests and that we should be just like Him? How does that jive with self-care?

Or, “Isn’t self-care selfish?”

And here’s why.

Look at Philippians 2. This is the passage that makes most of us feel self-care is selfish. It’s the passage that left me conflicted, indecisive, and riddled with guilt when I would take a much needed respite. But, after careful study with this commentary I was able to pinpoint why that isn’t the way we should look at it at all.

Emptied

“Have this attitude in yourselves which was also in Christ Jesus, who, although He existed in the form of God, did not regard equality with God a thing to be grasped, but emptied Himself, taking the form of a bond-servant…” (Philippians 2:5-7)

Emptied.

Lacking.

Having nothing left.

That is how I understood that passage. That Jesus, ran around “running on empty”. Can you just see it? This picture of our savior living so selflessly that He had only fumes and the supernatural strength of His father to get Him through? That’s what I thought the standard was. That is what I thought the good life looked like.

But, Biblically, I had it all wrong! This emptying Himself had nothing to do with surviving on as little as possible. Instead, it had to do with His title, His Lordship, His privilege. Let’s face it, He deserved to come as the conquering King! The ruler of the galaxies! The great and mighty. But, instead, he showed up in a stinky stable.

We know this is what the passage is talking about because, emptying Himself is contrasted with His later return to the status of supreme ruler. Verse 11 says that one day, “every tongue will confess that Jesus Christ is Lord”. His Lordship is what will be made clear to all.

This is where the commentary was extremely helpful.

“Christ entered our history not as kyrios (“Lord”), a name he acquires at his vindication (vv. 9-11), but as doulos (“slave”; see on 1:1), a person without advantages, rights or privileges, but in servanthood to all.”

Servant

So, what does this “servanthood to all” mean? Does it mean He never made a decision that would benefit himself? Does it mean He denied His own needs at the expense of others’ needs? Does it mean he let the ministry take over every aspect of His life?

His servanthood is directly contrasted with His Lordship. He is LORD. He could have forced us all to worship Him. He could have demanded we love and obey Him. He could have altered the laws of nature for his own personal advantage while being human. Making the grass under his feet continually green, his body always hydrated and his stomach never hungry. But, no.

“God didn’t think so much of himself that he had to cling to the advantages of that status no matter what…He didn’t claim special privileges” (MSG section from Philippians 2:5-8)

He submitted Himself to the very laws of nature He created. He became obedient to His humanness, to the normal regular life of a normal regular person living dependently on God-His-father’s Lordship even though He knew it would include His death. (Philippians 2:8) An innocent death He did not deserve to die.

But you know what, He made that decision to benefit us and to benefit Himself. Hebrews 12:2 tells us that He did it because He knew there would be joy on the other end. “For the joy that was set before Him He endured the cross.”

And while He was human He continued to make decisions that benefited Himself, that took care of His own human needs.

He ate. (Luke 2:15 NIV)

He spent time with friends. (John 11 NIV)

He didn’t burn himself out trying to meet every single need on the planet. (Mark 6:30-32, 45-46 NIV)

This is something I’ve marveled at for years. Jesus was only in human nature for approximately 33 years. 33 years! That’s it! And what was the majority of that time spent doing?

We don’t know.

That’s it. We don’t know.

He spent the majority of His time just being human. Having a human family. Living in a human community. Being known by his neighbors as Mary’s kid. Look at the way His family reacted when He began demonstrating He was God. Crowds started following Him around and His family went to bring Him home because He was getting out of hand. (Mark 3:20-21, 31) Getting out of hand? Really? GOD performing miracles was out of hand? But, see, until then He’d been living a typical human life full of typical human needs and daily norms.

He was God. Since childhood He knew He was God and what He would eventually do here on earth (Luke 2:41-52). Even so, He didn’t set about fixing every single problem around Him. He could have. I would have. But, He didn’t. He did what He was called to do, and at that time, it was just to grow up. To love His family. To be part of His community and to let God the father continue doing what He was doing in the lives of everyone else. He put on his own responsibilities and let other’s carry theirs.

Once He did start teaching and healing we see these vary poignant passages where His human needs shine though. Passages in which He stops to take care of Himself.

“Then, because so many people were coming and going that they did not even have a chance to eat, he [Jesus] said to them, “Come with me by yourselves to a quiet place and get some rest.” (Mark 6:31 NIV) Here we see Jesus intending to get away from the crowds to eat and rest and encouraging the disciples to do so with Him. However, they didn’t actually make it. The crowds followed them. Jesus had compassion on them, taught them, fed them, and then finally ensured that both He and his disciples were able to rest. He sent his disciples off in a boat while

He dispersed the crowds personally. When they were gone, he climbed a mountain to get some alone time to pray. “Immediately Jesus made his disciples get into the boat and go on ahead of him to Bethsaida, while he dismissed the crowd. After leaving them, he went up on a mountainside to pray. (Mark 6:45-46 NIV) You can read it in its entirety here. (Mark 6:30-46)

Now, go back and look at what Philippians 2:4 says. It doesn’t tell us to deny our own needs, but to look out for others needs as well as our own. “Do not merely look out for your own personal interests, but also for the interests of others.” (NASB)

Other Examples

Jesus’ life isn’t the only example of self-care in the Bible. In fact, it is assumed that we will look at ourselves with the same cherished delight with which God looks at us. Did you know that God not only loves us but delights in us? Just look at how intimately He treats us. He formed us. Meaning, He carefully sculpted us like a potter sculpting his artwork from clay. “For You formed my inward parts; You wove me in my mother’s womb.” (Psalm 139:13 NASB) And then, just two verses later, He says that He thinks tender, precious thoughts toward us. “How precious also are Your thoughts to me, O God! How vast is the sum of them!” (Psalm 139:17 NASB) He wants to be near to us. In fact, He bends down low to listen to us. “Because he bends down and listens, I will pray as long as I breathe!” (Psalm 116:2 TLB) He is like a father who loves to give good gifts to his children! (Matthew 7:11 NIV, Ecclesiastes 9:7-9) And then, He expects that we will treat ourselves in this way as well.

“After all, no one ever hated their own body, but they feed and care for their body, just as Christ does the church– for we are members of his body.” (Ephesians 5:29-30 NIV).

Jesus replied: “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’ This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ (Matthew 22:37-39 NIV)

And then, there’s this incredible passage from Ecclesiastes (my favorite book of the Bible).

Seize life! Eat bread with gusto,
Drink wine with a robust heart.
Oh yes—God takes pleasure in your pleasure!
Dress festively every morning.
Don’t skimp on colors and scarves.
Relish life with the spouse you love
Each and every day of your precarious life.
Each day is God’s gift. It’s all you get in exchange
For the hard work of staying alive.
Make the most of each one! (9:7-9 MSG)

If that passage doesn’t convince you that self-care isn’t selfish, look at the Proverbs 31 woman. She’s amazing!

A business woman
Efficient with her time
Loves her family and her community
Benefits the lives of those in need
And dresses in purple.

Purple was expensive! It was something very few wore. The very rich and royalty. Not only does she decide to dress herself that way, she puts her kids in it too! (Proverbs 31:21-22) Can you imagine! I can’t. But, she’s enjoying the good gifts God has given her and she’s encouraging her family to do so as well. That’s part of self-care.

So maybe fancy clothes aren’t your thing. What about taking care of your body? What about not getting burnt out because you’re over-extending yourself to meet the real needs of everyone but yourself? First Timothy tells us that there is benefit in taking care of our body. It’s not the same benefits you get from working on your relationship with God, but its still profitable.

I Tim 4:8 (MSG) “Workouts in the gymnasium are useful, but a disciplined life in God is far more so, making you fit both today and forever.”

And Moses’ father-in-law tells him not to wear himself out meeting the needs of the people because – simply put – he can’t do it all.

“The thing that you are doing is not good. You will surely wear out, both yourself and these people who are with you, for the task is too heavy for you; you cannot do it alone.” (Exodus 18:17 NASB)

The result? Moses learned how to delegate and prevented himself from burning out. I haven’t even touched on the fact that God commanded the Israelites to rest in Exodus 31:15 and that in I Kings 19:5-8 God makes Elijah take care of his physical needs before meeting his spiritual ones.

So, what about YOU?

If self-care isn’t selfish – if, God expects you to cherish the person He made you to be, to care for you body (Eph 5:29-30), to rest (Exodus 31:15), and not to burn yourself out (Exodus 18:17) then what does that look like in your day-to-day? How are you taking care of you? This can be a tough question to answer on your own if

you’re just beginning to test the waters of self-care. But, having someone you trust come along side you and break it down into tiny daily bites can turn the fog into something solid. For me, that person is Crystal Paine. She’s put her experience into the simple and powerful course “15 Days to a Healthier You”. I’ve been absorbing it in little doses and seeing the impact it’s made in my life. I know it can do that for you as well. Check it out here, it’s only $15 (yep! Just fifteen!). You are always pouring into others, today, it’s your turn to be supported.

(Note: I created the image using Pic Monkey’s photo editing website. Check them out here. This post may also contain affiliate links. For more information, read my Disclosure Policy here.)

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Do I Really Even Love My Child?

07.19.2017 by Sarah //

You either hate me already because I’d even ask such a thing, or you’re scared to click because you’ve felt it too. The evil whispers that something isn’t right, the emotions that don’t always come, the scared realization that maybe, after all you’ve given, you don’t actually love him.

Not really, not in the full sense of the word. Not in the tender ways a mother should love her son.

It scared the crap out of me, the first time I put words to those feelings. I didn’t want to own it, that question.

The problem was, it’d been rolling around in there for months. I could feel it. The depth and longevity of its existence. It wasn’t just something I could push aside. It had been lurking in my subconscious for a long, long time and it needed to be faced.

And so, I cried.

I cried because it felt so wrong and because I even had to ask.

The thing is, if you know me, you’ll realize how freakishly contradictory I sound. The very last thing I wrote about was how intentionally I love my children. I detailed how I gather all my genuine affection for them and tell them I love them.

You can read that here.

And I deliberately wrote that before telling you my fears that none of it was real because you need to know how purposeful I am. You need to know how many times I dig down deep to gather tenderness and love in order to reflect that in my face and my voice. You need to know how firmly I believe that children should be loved fully – not just in sacrificial action – but also in sweet, tender affection.

And you need to know how much work it is.

Every.

Single.

Day.

So, read about that here, and then finish reading this.

So, know you know.

Now you know how many thousands of tries on thousands of days I’ve gathered tenderness, in order to love authentically – to feel kindness – and I was spent. I was broken and weary and I wondered if that tenderness, that love, was ever really there to begin with.

And, as I asked, I came back empty.

Because that’s where I was – empty.

Spent.

Done.

Exhausted.

Did I really even love him?

The thing was, I had to answer yes. But only tentatively and only because love is a choice. Because love is an action.

So yes, I loved him. I had respect for him as a human being. I passionately wanted what was good for him. In that sense I loved him. I loved him by wanting his life to be safe and secure and wanting to be the source of that security. I even loved him in the sense that I desired warmth and beauty and care in his life.

They started to come faster then, all the ways in which I loved him through actions and deeds. All the ways in which I desired his good. So, YES, a resounding yes, a thousand yeses, in the most functional sense of the word I loved him. I was convinced of it. After all, I’d committed my life to him. I’d promised myself and him that we were in this no matter what. I’d sought his good at almost every turn weather I was the object of his wrath or not. Was I perfect at this? No, I’d lost it. I’d yelled and over-reacted. There were days I didn’t give 100% and days I took “mommy time outs”. Days I’d wanted to be anywhere but there in the middle of that mess and scarier than all, days I’d hated. But every single time, it always came back to, yes. Yes, I was willing to ask his forgiveness and get back up and love him

One.

More.

Time.

But the emotions? The sweet tenderness that only comes from genuinely seeing another person for who God made them to be – for the good design He placed in that person without all the warts and brokenness of sin.

That kind of love?

The love that longs to be with someone when you’re separated. The emotion that makes your heart rejoice when you see him. The giant “YES! That wells up in your being when you connect with the genuine person he is meant to be.

Did that part of love even exist? Or, had all those thousands of times I’d summoned up the emotions in order to look softly at him made me a fraud?

Was any of it real?

I didn’t know.

Until the day, when it was me and him against the world. Until, he was put in a vulnerable situation where the other adults in his life didn’t understand him and wouldn’t even try. Until I had to stand up for him, against the powers that be, and demand they listen, demand they try, demand they care.

And it all came gushing out. The tears, the tenderness, the sweet thoughts toward him.

Because this was a child that I loved and I wanted them to love him to.

That day, I saw that I did indeed love him. In every sense of the word I loved him. But it had taken until that moment to realize it. The moment when I saw what his life would be like in the hands of others who didn’t love him and I cried.

I cried at the way he’d been viewed.

I cried because I wanted him to be cherished, to be understood and he wasn’t.

I cried because I wanted him to be loved the way I loved him, and he wasn’t.

And that’s when I knew that I did indeed love him. In all the good and soft and precious ways. Not just the hard and long-suffering and practical ways but in all of the sweetness of softness ways too. It had been there all along.

It had just been masked, hidden – buried in the hard work of inviting him into vulnerability again… and again… and again. In seeing past the defiance to the heart of who he really was. And it’s that exhausting, emotion numbing work that had made me wonder if the fun side of love had even existed.

So, yes. I really did love my child.

Practical Steps to Finding Your Love Again

I’ve come to realize that there are ebbs and flows to the tender emotions we have toward our kids. There are times that I’ve given all I can give and I’m emotionally numb, or worse, angry. I need to be aware of this and realize that those times aren’t the full story. It’s just a thinning, a wearing out of my ability to access the love that fully and deeply exists – a love given by and sourced from God himself. And then, I need to do everything in my power not to stay there.

That’s the hard part. Because, for me, that means prayer and learning how to stop and take care of myself. As a foster mom, I KNOW how impossible this sounds. The idea of self-care is one I disdained for a long time. But, I’m slowly starting to accept it as not only not selfish, but a vital way I care for my children. Stopping to take care of myself fills me back up so that I have reserves to draw from and can better tap into that tender loving-kindness. I’ve got a list going of the things that work for me and the things I know I need to implement but haven’t figured out how to yet. I’d love to send it to you. It might help you get started on your own ways to fill back up so you can find your love again. Put your email below and click so I can get it to you right away. I’m also going to write more about self-care and why it’s not selfish. When I do, I’ll send that your way too. Hang in there Mama!

(Note: I created the image using Pic Monkey’s free photo editing website. Check them out here. This post may also contain affiliate links. For more information, read my Disclosure Policy here.)

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