To the dad who rocks the writhing little soul trying desperately to claw at your face, this is for you. To the mom that’s been pinched, bit and hurt by her child, this is for you. To the parents who keep your children from hurtling toys across the room by emptying the bedroom of anything that can be thrown, this is for you. To the parent whose had to hold their daughter to keep her from hurting herself, this is for you.

It’s for you because you feel desperate, not knowing the right thing to do. It’s for you because these are just the “big displays”. There are countless others that are much more subtle. There’s the son who wants a hug but stiffens in your arms when you give him one and pushes you away. There’s the child who blames everything else for “hurting him” when he bumps into objects because he wasn’t watching where he was going. There’s the overt screaming when you leave the room, but then the swatting at you or running away from you when you return.

This is for you because you’ve patiently loved and held and settled this child down, only to put him in bed and cry yourself to sleep – exhausted and unsure if you handled it the right way. This is for you because you’ve snapped and yelled to find it stopped the behavior, but bread more hatred in the process.

It’s overwhelming, and confusing. Your child acts as if she wants one thing but rejects that very thing when you give it. And the extent of the meltdowns are unfathomable when you 1) have to leave the child (even if it’s to go in the other room), 2) when you’re caring for another human being (even if it’s hugging your spouse), or 3) when you won’t let her do something (God forbid you tell her “no”). It’s disheartening and exhausting and you feel lost.

But you can’t give up loving this child.

That’s why this is for you.

There is hope. There is a need lying below the surface of each of these behaviors and you can meet it.

Your child doesn’t trust you.

She needs you but she hates the fact that she needs you. She wants to be self-sufficient but she isn’t and that is very scary to her.

• Trusting you to care for her is scary
• Being allowed to depend on herself is scary

Either way, her life is full of fear. If she is forced to trust you she goes ballistic because she is sure you are going to abuse her or neglect her. If you give her freedom, which she so desperately fights for, she hates you because subconsciously what she really needed was you to take the weight of self-care from her shoulders.

You feel like you can’t win!

But you can.

Your child needs you to enforce strict boundaries that cannot be crossed and to simultaneously quadruple your affection toward him.

THIS has made THE biggest difference in our parenting.

Strict boundaries and lots of simultaneous affection are key.

There is definitely a place for independence, and I’ll continue that conversation soon. Put your email in the box and click the button so I can get that out to you and hear your concerns as well.

But, what we’ve been doing is allowing our child to face the fear of his dependence on us. We’ve been forcing this realization to an extent by the boundaries we place and strictly uphold. All the while we are supporting our child through the struggle and proving our love and trustworthiness.

We still use a stern voice when we need to and we still require obedience, but we do so with as much affection, and care and even praise as we possibly can – at the same time.

Confusing. I know.

According to therapist Richard Sudsberry, not only can these two work simultaneously, they must.

“Overall, as you increase expectations, rules, and discipline in your interaction with children you must also increase nurturing in the experience.” (Therapeutic play activities for families or the classroom Emphasis added) I would encourage you to read his book Loving Parents: Raising Hurting Children. It is free on Kindle Unlimited and you can get a free 30 day trial here. Join Amazon Kindle Unlimited 30-Day Free Trial

So, how does this play out?

Imagine your child sees you giving undivided attention to another member of your family. She melts down. Full on hysterics. You can’t let that go. Remember, this is about her lack of trust in you as her caretaker. Here is what she needs.

• She needs to be reminded that she is indeed dependent on you. It is up to you when the conversation ends – not her- even if she’s a puddle on the floor. Boundaries
• She needs to know that you are capable of caring for her even when you are giving attention to someone else, and that you will indeed provide for her because you care about her and you are trustworthy. Nurture

So, how do you both hold her accountable to not interrupting AND provide additional nurture SIMULTANEOUSLY? It might look like this:

“Brandy, I know you don’t like it when I’m looking at someone else, but I’m talking to Dad right now. I love Dad AND I love you. Stand right here and I’ll hold your hand while I talk to Dad, but you need to wait until I’m done.”

You and I both know that’s not the end of the story. She’s not just going to stand there calmly – especially if this is the first time you’re doing this. She’s going to melt down once you look back at your spouse, but stay firm. Hold her hand lovingly even when she pulls on you. Keep talking to your spouse and holding her hand. You might even make occasional comments to her “I love you Brandy and I’m talking to Dad right now because I love him too. I’ll talk to you in a minute.” You might even be able to smooth her hair with your other hand, or rub her back while keeping your eyes glued to your spouse. Do not let her antics stop your conversation. You’ve upped your affection toward her as much as you possibly can while forcing her to work within the boundaries you’ve created. Then, when your conversation is done, you can address her directly.

“Brandy, I’m done talking to Dad now. What would you like to tell me?”

My guess is she won’t have anything to say. That’s okay. Use this time to continue the nurture. Let her know what it is you love about her and, if possible invite her to join you in whatever you had to do next.

If the child that’s melting down is too little to understand that much language just hold her. Hold her while you continue your conversation and when you’re done address her. These children, the ones that can’t stand when you aren’t focused on them, but don’t really want you when you are, still need you to be with them. They need your constant nurture just as much, if not more, than the ones I wrote about here.

Another way this might look is when you physically stop a child from harming himself or others. You can hold his hands* and say, “I care about you and I will not let you hurt yourself or others. We will hold hands until I think it’s time to let go.” By YOU deciding when it is time to let go you’ve reassured him that you are in control of this situation. BUT WHILE you are sitting with his hands in yours and he is writhing or cussing, UP THE NURTURE. List all the ways you care about him.

List his great physical features. “I love your brown eyes and the way your teeth show when you smile. I love your cute nose and your red hair.”

List the accomplishments he’s achieved while in your home. “I love the way you take your dish to the sink when you’re done eating. I love the way you read to your little sister. I love the way you worked so hard on your homework yesterday.”

And make sure you list the innate personality traits he has that have nothing to do with accomplishments. This is SO IMPORTANT because this is who God made him to be and this is validating your love for him as a person no matter what he does or doesn’t accomplish. “I love your sense of humor. I love that you are sweet with little kids. I love that you notice when others are hurt. I love how passionately you disagree with me about sports.”

Finally, reassure him that you love him no matter what state he is in. “I love you when you’re angry like you are right now. I love you when you’re quiet and calm. I love you when you’re happy and excited. I love you when you’re scared.”

Then, expect it to backfire.

Especially at first.

You’ve just asked him to walk into the deepest, darkest place his soul knows – facing the fear of trusting you as his caregiver and he’s going to push you away. He’s going to hate you for it. He will yell, and tug and pull and say “no you don’t!” Because, remember, He doesn’t trust you. He can’t trust you, because trusting you means vulnerability, and vulnerability means being harmed emotionally or physically. But, eventually, he will come around. You’ll probably need to settle for resignation for awhile. But one day, as you’re listing the things you love about him, you’ll see him crack. A hint of a smile, and you’ll know you’re making progress.

There will be more happy

Eventually, there will be more happiness between you and your child throughout the day. Your child will trust you more, which means he will be more vulnerable, which means he will express genuine affection at random times. There will be more smiles, more hugs, more easy laughter. You’re entire home will slowly become more peaceful. Not all the time, not consistently, but generally, more peaceful.

“You need to do whatever you can to build nurturing connection between you and your child. This reduces child anger and his need for control, and increases his desire for cooperation.” (Richard L. Sudsberry, Relationship Parenting)

*Check your foster care guidelines and follow all protocols. These differ by state and even by specific situation.

(Note: I created the image using Pic Monkey’s free photo editing website. Check them out here. This post may also contain affiliate links. For more information, read my Disclosure Policy here.)

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Remember you can get Loving Parents: Raising Hurting Children for FREE by clicking below.

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