I love this book so much I’m giving it away

We’ve moved out of our intensive week of attachment therapy and boy is that aptly named! We are now into the “follow up” portion of attachment therapy. This consists of once a week appointments doing the same kinds of activities we did during the intensive week. If you haven’t been following us on our journey it starts here “3 Reasons we are beginning attachment therapy and why you might want to also”. While we had great training on parenting children from traumatic backgrounds before we began attachment therapy, what we are learning in therapy has been, by far the most helpful. If you haven’t downloaded my free printable with attachment activities based on Dr. Sudsberry’s work, I really, really, hope you do. It’s incredibly helpful. Put your email here and click so I can get that to you.

So here is the attachment therapy process as designed by Dr. Richard Sudsberry. Each step is based on either a one-on-one relationship with one parent and one child or a two-on-one relationship with two parents and one child. If you have more than one child the therapist will work with you in “groups”. For example, she might work with one parent and one child for half the session and then switch to another parent and child the second half.

Evaluation

In this phase, the therapist evaluates your child’s relationship with you. She does this through having you participate in simple activities with your child. In order to get a more accurate assessment, she is not in the room with you while you interact with your child. The session is recorded to be viewed later. If you’re nervous about this step like I was you can read about my evaluation here:

“So, What actually Happens in the Back Room of an Attachment Therapy Evaluation?”

Review

This session happens without children. The parents are invited back to the therapy center to review the recorded evaluation sessions with the therapist. During this time the therapist will point out the significance in your child’s behaviors and what those behaviors tell her about “the 4 elements of secure attachment”. Put your email here and click so I can send you the four elements and simple activities you can do with your child to strengthen each element of attachment.

Intensive Week

This begins the actual therapy of attachment therapy! Based on your child’s needs, you will meet with the therapist for either 5 or 10 week days in a row. You’ll meet for 2-4 hours a day participating in strategically chosen activities to help bring the child along in his/her relationship with you. These sessions will also be recorded. Part of the 2-4 hours is used for you, the caregiver, to review the recorded sessions and discuss things that went well, things that didn’t, why your child did such-and-such, etc. with the therapist. This part is done without the child present. I know it seems like a lot- and it is- but it also goes very quickly and you’ll see the benefit of this intensive week because it helps you to start recognizing the patterns of underlying issues in your child’s behavior.

Follow Up

Behavior shifts take mindset shifts and mindset shifts take time. So for the next 10-12 weeks you’ll meet with the therapist once a week. You’ll continue to participate in activities with your child and review the sessions afterward –taking plenty of time to discuss with the therapist what’s happening at home and what you need help with. These weeks are where the shifting starts to take place. You see changes. You see more genuine affection on the part of your children. You see them become able to work through challenges better without freaking out (Mom’s of kids from trauma – you understand freak out!). This works and you will start to see it.

After about 10-12 weeks, your therapist will suggest you reduce your visits to every other week, then once every three weeks and possibly once a month for about a year. I know this seems like a long time, but trust me, one year of meeting once a month is only 12 visits the entire year. 12 visits is worth avoiding a lifetime of hatred from your child. It is worth it! Stick with it!

And there you have it folks! An overview of Dr. Richard Sudsberry’s attachment therapy process. Again, for a very simple way to start working with you kiddos at home on some of these ideas put your email here and click. It is not the same as therapy, which I highly recommend, but it is still very helpful.

(Note: I created the image using Pic Monkey’s free photo editing website. Check them out here. This post may also contain affiliate links. For more information, read my Disclosure Policy here.)

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My child’s a mess right now.  Frantically, swinging from outbursts of anger to curled-up-shoulder-shaking-tears in a frenzied state of dysregulation.

I do my best to comfort her, confident in my capabilities if she’ll allow me. She was given two choices of activities for the day, but insisted on her own idea instead. I reminded her that I could take care of her; that if she didn’t pick one of the options I’d given then I would choose for her.

She refused.

I chose the activity.

And she lost it.

The yelling, the tight fists, the hiding and curling up into a ball. She withdraws only to attack again. She needs me to help her calm down, to hug her, to love her, and show her that I’m capable of weathering her insecurities.

But she won’t let me.

She avoids my comfort like a disease, doesn’t trust me, doesn’t believe the options I provided were good. Fear so visceral it spills out. And so I massage a hand till she yanks it away, I rub her foot, her back, whatever amount of physical comfort I can before she pulls back or lashes out. I don’t punish or give consequences. Why? Because, she needs to be drawn into relationship, to understand that I care for her and am capable of offering her good choices. She is scared to death to trust – to trust that I’ll provide, that I care, that my intentions are good. She needs to let go of her self-survival tactics and lean into me. It’s what I wrote about in “Why your Foster Child Needs You and Hates You”  But today I think about the fact that this is exactly what we do to God, and a hand massage with comforting words, is precisely how He responds to us. We rail against Him, we fight, we don’t trust in His goodness or His capability to care for us. We don’t trust that He even wants to do those things. We only trust ourselves, our plans because we hold fast to the notion that we alone know what will make us happy. If we trust Him with our life then how can our happiness be guaranteed?

And so, He invites us in.

He invited us in. He came; He showed us His goodness, He lived among us. Yes, He is holy and just and must judge rightly, but we were condemned already. We did that (See Genesis 3). Jesus came to bring us back. To draw us back into relationship.

For God did not send the Son into the world to judge the world, but that the world might be saved through Him.  John 3:17

Look at Adam and Eve. God provided them with EVERYTHING GOOD and they rejected it for what they thought would bring them enlightenment. They didn’t trust His provision. They didn’t trust His goodness. They didn’t trust Him. And in seeking self-sufficiency they cut themselves off from the source of life. In that moment they died. They were condemned already. Yet, God made a way. He promised a savior. He covered their shame and invited them to trust that one day He would set it all right.

And He did. He came to earth and walked with us just as Adam and Eve had walked with God in the garden. Here was God’s fullness once again in man’s presences. He entered into relationship with us and again extended the source of life – Himself. He gave us His perfect righteousness and asks only that we trust Him.

Look for it here. The people saw Jesus perform miracles and they wanted the results of those miracles. Jesus pointed them back to something much greater. The life He wanted to give them. We had cut ourselves off from the source of life and Jesus came to give it back in the form of himself. All He requires is that we trust Him (believe).

²⁸ They replied, “We want to perform God’s works, too. What should we do?”

²⁹ Jesus told them, “This is the only work God wants from you: Believe in the one he has sent.”

³⁰ They answered, “Show us a miraculous sign if you want us to believe in you. What can you do? ³¹ After all, our ancestors ate manna while they journeyed through the wilderness! The Scriptures say, ‘Moses gave them bread from heaven to eat.’ ”

³² Jesus said, “I tell you the truth, Moses didn’t give you bread from heaven. My Father did. And now he offers you the true bread from heaven. ³³ The true bread of God is the one who comes down from heaven and gives life to the world.”

³⁴ “Sir,” they said, “give us that bread every day.”

³⁵ Jesus replied, “I am the bread of life. Whoever comes to me will never be hungry again. Whoever believes in me will never be thirsty. John 6:28-35 (emphasis added)

So, when I hold my screaming, fighting foster daughter and sooth her instead of punishing her, I’m inviting her into life. A life of trust. A life that says “I know you’re afraid right now. I know fighting against my control in your life is what you think is good for you, but it’s not. I’m going to give you my presence so you can see that I care. I’m going to enter into your world and be here to show you that I really do love you and you really can trust me.” When I do that, I’m acting like our savior did. I’m hoping that she learns to trust me, so that she can one day learn to trust our Savior. I’m not giving in, I’m not allowing her to go with option number three – her own option – the option in which she controls the direction of her life – and I’m simultaneously inviting her into a life of trust and freedom. To quote John and then Elyse Fitzpatrick:

There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love. We love because he first loved us. 1 John 4:18-19

“The fear we experience when we fail does not breed the love we need in order to obey. True obedience must be fueled by love, and love occurs only in hearts that have been warmed by the knowledge of God’s love for lawbreakers like us.” (Good News for Weary Women pg 61)

I hope my free printable on the 4 Elements of Healthy Attachment will help you invite your children into relationship. Put your email here and click. I’ll send it to you.

You’ll Also Like Reading:

3 Reasons We are Beginning Attachment Therapy and Why You Might Want to Also

(Note: I created the image using Pic Monkey’s free photo editing website. Check them out here. This post may also contain affiliate links. For more information, read my Disclosure Policy here.)

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